Small World
by AravaT
Summary: Set in Season 4. Castle and Beckett are at a stand still and things are becoming strained. How will Kate react when the one that got away waltzes back into Rick's life?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

It had been a horrid few weeks. The caseload was a crushing weight on Beckett and her team; it was a train of back-to-back cases that barreled into them, each veiled in a cloud of emotional heaviness. Over the past weeks they had tackled two rape-murder cases, one of a 16-year-old girl, a murder-suicide of a man and his mistress, a few muggings gone wrong, and worst of all, a mother murdered in front of her six year old daughter.

Beckett's stress levels were through the roof and sleep was a luxury she hardly had time to enjoy. If there was a night when she got home at a decent hour, her mind was trapped in a cycle of memories, theories, and raw introspection that left her brain drained yet wired. She returned home at 10:30 that night, and the paradox of exhaustion and abraded energy flooded her system. Beckett schlepped off her gloves, scarf, and coat, throwing them on her living room chair because the effort to hang them up was just too damn much. She hesitated at the open bottle of wine in her fridge, but figured she earned an evening to numb the constant anxiety that had taken up residence in her psyche these past days. After decompressing on the couch, sipping on the smooth liquid, and practicing the relaxation techniques that Burke was helping her with, she headed for the bathroom in hopes of a calming bath.

She stripped out of her trousers and blouse, carefully averting her eyes from her scars; she just couldn't face those issues tonight. While water filled her cast iron tub, she stepped on her scale. Beckett had lost a few pounds, not as bad as she was expecting when she was on a non-stop work spree. In the past, when work became this hectic she would forget to eat until she started seeing orbs in her vision and felt her head go light. _Why isn't that a bigger concern?_ She thought to herself, but for Kate Beckett forgetting to eat was as trivial as forgetting to shave her legs or floss her teeth. Glancing at the scale once more, she realized she had only lost four pounds instead of her usual ten, and she guessed she had Castle to thank for that. He was always making sure she ate an energy bar, Chinese, or a burger and fries from Remy's. Always looking out for her. Always. And at that thought the guilt set in.

_God I was awful to him today_, she realized as she buried her face in her hands and shook her head in frustration. _Hell I've been a bitch to him for the past week and a half_, and each day she behaved worse than the one before. She bit his head off today for absolutely no provoked reason.

* * *

_That morning Kate stood ramrod straight, arms crossed rigidly across her chest, as her eyes dashed over her murder board. She was working on an old case that was never solved and always nagged at her. Things just didn't add up and it was pissing her off. All her suspects had rock solid alibis, there were huge gaps in her timeline, nothing conclusive had come back from the lab, and Gates was breathing down her neck, insisting she wrap this up in the next two days or else it be reshelved as a cold case._

_ Beckett hated a cold case, despised them, she couldn't fail here. So she came in at six that morning just to fit it into her current caseload and had been plugging away for the past four hours. She was strung out, tired, and frustrated. She felt like she was walking a thin line and everyone was trying to throw her off make matters worse she had to cancel her last two sessions with Burke. _

_Soon Castle walked up beside her from the break room, placing her cup of coffee on her desk. She gave him a glance out of the corner of her eye in acknowledgment. Not even a 'thank you.' She had already squashed his wild, albeit though-provoking theories for this cold case, but he still tried to conjure up events that were missing on the murder board. Beckett grabbed the white board pen out of his hands when he attempted to alter the timeline._

_"This is my board Castle, not your little personal notebook for your writing. I have to solve this and I can't have you using the precinct as your playground on this one." He quieted and let her work uninterrupted. But that could only last so long with him._

_"So any news from Lanie on those fibers found underneath Ms. Gosland's nails?" Castle asked in attempt to break the frosty atmosphere that had settled between them._

_ "Nothing revealing, all they tell us is that our perp was wearing leather and that our victim put up a fight," Kate replied curtly as she strode over to sit at her desk to review Gosland's financials yet again._

_Castle sat in his chair, resting his fingers underneath his chin as he took Beckett in. She was frustrated that was for damn sure. The vein in her forehead pulsed, her intense mossy eyes squinted at the numbers in front of her, and her hair had lost some volume from unconsciously running her fingers through it. Castle still thought she looked gorgeous. What others would see as angry frustration, he saw as determined fortitude. She gave herself to these victims completely and selflessly, seeking justice for those who deserved it and punishing those who had it coming. She was the heroine of countless stories in Castle's mind. Her fierce strength inspired him and her gentle compassion that lies in the shadows astounded him._

_Beckett slipped her fingers into the handle of her coffee as Castle admired her, and she took a large gulp of the dark liquid, her fuel. The gulp filled her mouth and she had to fight not to spit it out. "Damn it Castle. That is fucking scalding," she exclaimed in an angry whisper. The coffee scorched her taste buds and flowed like fire down her throat._

_"Fuck," she murmured while Castle attempted to suppress a chuckle, but his smirk gave away his amusement and that just inflamed Beckett's already frayed nerves. "You burned my tongue and throat, could have warn me."_

_He got the hint: Do not poke the beast. "Sorry, I didn't realize. My mistake," Castle apologized, but his childish side begged to take advantage of the word 'tongue' because it so rarely came up in their natural conversation. Don't piss her off, don't be and idiot, just don't! __Oh what the hell..._

_"I can soothe that hot tongue for you, if need be?" he murmured into her ear as he leaned into her personal space. He is always invading her space. It elicited the expected eye roll, but the response that followed was typically a 50/50 chance between a hidden smile at the corner of her lips or a bit to her cheek to control her reaction. Lately, that is before the rainfall of gruesome cases, it was about a 75% chance of the hidden smile. _

_"God you are such an arrogant jackass sometime. Do you use that line with your bimbos too?" she spat and in the back of her mind she knew that was completely unfair. He hadn't dated anyone in six months, not since he told her that he loved her, and come to think about it- had there been anyone since Gina? Castle was faithful and loyal to her promise that she'd give him a chance at some indeterminate time in the future. She was being rude and unfair and a straight bitch really, but she was tired and wrung out and she had already said it. Beckett saw the hurt seep into his eyes before a cool demeanor of indifference washed it out._

_Castle looked her in the eye with a look of frustration, hints of hurt, and ultimately defeat. He was tired of trying to prove himself to someone who refused to see him as anything more that what he used to be, or who he used to pretend to be. He immediately got up as Esposito came over reporting the results of the secondary canvas he and Ryan had been coordinating._

_"We found two witnesses that saw a Caucasian man in a brown leather jacket fleeing near the bus stop around the TOD.." Espo's voice petered out of Beckett's ears as she watched Castle pull on his coat and head down the stair of the precinct without another word._

_ Damn it, that was harsh but he needs a thicker skin Kate silently justified to herself. Focus. Solve._

_She jumped back into refocus on Espo's explanation, "Have the sketch artist meet with them both separately and have Ryan talk to tech about the traffic cams in the area."_

_"Sure thing boss." Espo replied, "Hey where's Castle off too?"_

_"I forget what he said, meeting with the publishers maybe?" Beckett easily lied._

* * *

_Castle stomped out onto the street vexed and confused. He was oh so tempted to head to the Old Haunt and throw back a few shots of tequila and a cold scotch, but it was only ten in the morning and that was a little too pathetic. Though he felt it would fall perfectly into his most recent Richard Castle persona; loyal puppy to the uninterested Kate Beckett who enjoyed kicking and stringing along her pets. Instead he headed to the gym, his sanctuary that few people were aware of._

_When his temper got the better of him the gym was the first place he went. He would run off his frustration over his mother, or his anxiety about raising a teenage girl, or his heartache. At times his writing could be a good release and allowed his mind to be drained of its whirlwind of ideas and thoughts. His imagination took a hold of his reality and twisted it into a fantasy of literary revelations, captivating plot lines, or deep character development. He liked that he could control all of that, manipulate his hurt into something he could handle and express. But other times, he just wanted to let go, not think about what it meant that she grabbed his hand at his mother's play, or bumped hips with him to cheer him up, or twirled her luscious locks around her long slender fingers. He wanted his full attention funneled into something that didn't require his reality to be twisted and carved into a world he could be happy in. Sometimes he just wanted to run. And this was one of those times._

_Before he knew it he was walking into his gym, nodding at the blonde receptionist who offered a dazzling smile, as he pushed into the locker room to change. The gym was fairly empty, a few bored housewives doing light yoga and an older gentleman lifting light dumbbells. Castle actively resisted his usual habit of creating stories about the strangers in a room, of how the older gentleman was a retired CIA spy who could never kick the routine of staying in shape or how the two housewives played seedy swinger games with each other's husband without one another's knowledge._

_No, he didn't want his imagination at work here because it inevitably leads back to Kate. He didn't want Kate haunting his mind. He wanted her out of it. He was on the treadmill, his heavy limbs pounding heavily into the rubber tread, sweat slowly accumulating on his lower back, and he tried to focus on his breathing; consciously taking in each breath, holding it in his expanded lungs, and then releasing it on a controlled exhale. But that would only last for five or six breaths and before he realized it he was imagining Kate doing gentle yoga, her hair falling in her face so that she had to blow a puff of air to get it out of her eyes while maintaining her pose, the taught lines of her lean legs stabilizing her, and her eyes deep in focus with her movements and breathing._

_Castle growled at his traitorous mind. He couldn't be stationary; the treadmill offered movement but the world around him wasn't distracting enough. Without hesitation he slammed the stop button and high tailed it out to the street where everything was moving. His mind could jump from one thing to the next without focus, therefore without it leading back to Kate. He started running, sprinting basically, and headed into the park. It was a brisk November morning and he should probably be wearing more substantial clothing than shorts and a long sleeve tee, but he reveled in the thrill of the cold nipping at his body._

_He ran hard and fast along the path in Central Park. His cheeks and fingers burned from the cold air, his ears itched, and his lips caught on each other from their chap. Castle didn't have to focus on his breathing out here, it came in heavy exhales and he could see the air come out of his mouth and nose._

_The cool air felt exhilarating in his lungs, like he was being reborn from a pathetic sap in love with a woman who may or may not have romantic feelings for him into a capable man who didn't take ridicule and shit from a woman who strung him along. Running gave him power and freedom and he loved that. Castle glanced at his runner's watch and realized he was already rounding out on five miles; his legs were burning as they propelled him with each step, his shoulders were tightening with the rotations of his toned abs, his feet were burning from the friction of his shoes._

_He was lost in the sensations of his body when the call of his name dragged him back to his surroundings. The path had gotten crowded with the early lunch crowd that dared to face the whipping wind and Castle slowed to a jog, scanning for a familiar face. He spotted nothing out of the ordinary, at least for New York City; a homeless man dressed in a woman's parka, Goth teen making out with a prom princess, a pair of trannys out for a stroll, business interns hustling coffee and dry cleaning. No one Castle recognized so he began to increase his pace, extending his stride to feel his quads lengthen and contract._

_"RICK!" he heard again, loud enough that he shuffled to a stop and turned around to scan the people he had just passed. There he laid his deep blue eyes on the one that got away, twice._

_"Kyra?"_

* * *

Kate melted in the tub, the knots in her back loosened and her eyes glazed over as she stared into space. She felt so guilty for snapping at Castle and she couldn't figure out why she was aiming all her frustration at him. He was an easy target she guessed, resilient and endlessly sweet. His gentle blue eyes conveyed a tenderness that felt like Beckett's anchor, her constant. But when she insinuated that he was sleeping around today, she saw that tenderness drain from his eyes and a shield of indifference went up to protect himself. _Why was I such a heartless bitch?_ She growled at herself because she couldn't even blame it on PMS.

Castle hadn't come back to the precinct until after three that afternoon, bearing pizza and sodas for the boys, along with her usual wrap and peach tea. He placed it on the corner of her desk and gave her a sideways glance.

"Thank you Castle." Beckett said with as much appreciation and apology she could muster at the time.

It wasn't enough. He spent the rest of the day helping Ryan review traffic camera footage. To avoid her, Castle even pitched in on paperwork from a previous case that Espo had to get done. At six she kicked the boys out, thanking them on their full day's work. She was still endlessly ticked off that the case was going nowhere fast. Castle had quickly left with the boys, offering a solemn, "G'Night Beckett."

As she flopped into her bed, Kate assured herself that Castle would be his normal, sweet, humorous, slightly annoying self tomorrow. He'd bounce back. She could nearly bet on it. Part of her felt terrible that she could count on him to just let go of her atrocious behavior out of fear of loosing whatever ground they had gained in the slow crawl toward a wall-less relationship. But most of her was grateful for his graciousness toward her. She would do better tomorrow, bring him that comic book he mentioned last week to make up for it all. It would be better tomorrow. Kate was over-worked, exhausted, and emotionally drained from the rough caseload, but she admitted that was not an excuse to lash out at a innocent Castle; though Castle was never really innocent, but he deserved better.

* * *

Beckett was the first one to the 12th the next morning and prepped for the day. She organized her desk and began to take one last look at the financials of the victim. At eight the boys strolled in and a flutter of excitement burst in her stomach because Castle would be coming in shortly after them. His lazy(adorable) ass needed his "deep slumber to produce that level of rugged handsomeness, " as he claimed. The Green Lantern comic book lay under her files, just waiting to illicit that infectious smile of his that crinkles his eyes and smirks his lips in an enticing curve.

By 8:30, still no sign of Castle and Beckett checked her phone for messages for the fifth time.

Nine o'clock, no coffee sitting at the corner of her desk and no man sitting in the chair beside her desk. Beckett checked her phone one last time and as she swiped the lock, a message from Castle appeared:

_Meetings lined up with Paula until 4, wont be in after that._

Another one quickly followed:

_Look into Gosland's trip to the bank. Who else would know she was carrying that much cash? Someone saw her at the bank, followed her._

Maybe today wouldn't be better. He had meetings? Castle never mentioned that. Paula probably sprung it on him, trapped him into knocking out the copyright meetings in one day. That must be it. Kate panicked a bit but worked to calm herself. He would be at the precinct tomorrow, she was healing, getting to where she needed to be to start something with him. Things were fine, they were making progress. He couldn't be that upset with her, could he?


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, just the boundless domain of my wicked imagination... so humble. **

**A/N:** Thanks again to **Keddster**, my under cover beta! Please post a **review**! I desperately need the motivation!

**Chapter 2 **

"Kyra?" Castle stared slack jawed at the woman approaching him. She looked just as beautiful in her North Face raincoat, jeans, and thick, forest green scarf as she did in her wedding gown. She was face to face with him now as she murmured, "Rick," under her breath in equal amazement. They hadn't spoken since that night at the precinct when she sealed the end of their chapter with a gentle kiss to his cheek.

"Oh my God, Kyra! How are you? You look, well stunning as usual." Rick exclaimed once he got his shock under control and gave her a gentle hug. "Sorry I am all sweaty and gross, I just… well it's a welcomed surprise to run into you, literally," Rick added, pulling away; but she clutches his shirt at his back like a lifeline.

"Yeah more than welcomed; your still running like a maniac I see," Kyra replied, stepping back to observe him. He still had his charming, mischievous smile that lights up his blue eyes, his hair was longer and it flopped over his forehead from his run, his jaw was sharply defined, his shoulders carried that same broad strength that use to lift her off her farm fence during the summer weekends upstate, and he still had those muscular arms that once bound around her to comfort and protect her against her mother's criticism. Rick; still the Rick she remembers, her Rick.

"Yep, still running. I can't seem to kick the habit. I guess I need the high and I figured crack is just too expensive these days," Castle joked and Kyra easily gave him a smile.

"Really, because I know a guy that has some great crack on clearance, even offers coupons. But aren't you supposed to be some sort of millionaire author?" she volleyed back.

"Clearance _and _coupons? Mhm, seems just a _little_ questionable, but what the hell?" he offered and again, an easy smile formed on Kyra's lips, no hesitation, no hang ups.

"So of all the days, in all the parks, and on all the paths we just happened to run into each other here, like this. _Again_. I am getting this weird sense of déjà vu, you feel that?" she asked.

"A bit, luckily I haven't seen any bridesmaids dropping out of closets today." Castle said and saw the flicker of discomfort in her eyes. "Sorry, that was insensitive of me, I guess I'm used to the sardonic humor at the precinct."

"Oh no its fine, I'm just not used to all that Rick Castle macabre. It's been a while."

"That it has, _too long_. Did I already say you look stunning?" he breathlessly asked, realizing his breathing is just now evening out after his running and the excitement of stumbling upon Kyra. She blushed, glancing down to the ground, her curls falling over her face.

"Oh sorry, ugh _married woman_," he gesturing to her, "_incorrigible flirt_," he finished, gesturing to himself. Kyra looked up to catch his gaze with a broken smile and glossy eyes.

"No. _Incorrigible flirt_," she placed her right hand on his chest, "_Woman_," she said, placing her ringless left hand over her chest. She shrugged her shoulders at his perplexed look and slid her hand down his chest admiring the solid mass of his muscled body.

"Greg is…" Castle asked at a loss for words.

"Greg is, well, Greg is a _cheating bastard_. Not that I am bitter or anything," Kyra said sarcastically with a surprisingly light tone and a genuine smirk still gracing her lips. She had always been so strong and resilient in the face of disappointment. It's probably the reason she never contacted Castle after he didn't follow her to London.

"Kyra, I am so sorry. Do you want me to go beat him up? He may have an inch or two on me, but I am pretty sure I am bulkier. Plus I have been watching how the boys at the 12th take down scumbags and I think Greg could make for a decent test run for me… and," he staggered off in his ramble of protective indignation over Kyra, who was softly laughing at his enthusiasm.

"And, and you're laughing at me?" he asked with a quirk of his head and smile.

"Yes Rick I am laughing at you and your incredibly sweet machoism. Thanks for the offer but I think my mother berated and shamed him enough, but at our next settlement hearing I'll see if he needs a beat down."

"You know I'm good for it," he resolutely replied, "But I am really sorry you have to go through all that shit, you are the last person who deserves it. Believe me when I say that I know exactly how you are feeling," Castle admitted.

"Oh really, you know what its like to find your spouse knee deep in a blonde Barbie secretary?" she asked, a little put off as shown by her thin lipped frown and furrowed brows.

"Not quite, I know what its like to find my wife riding her director of a movie that I pulled strings for, with my four year old daughter napping up-stairs. However, there are striking similarities, wouldn't you say?" he countered with anger sparking like flint at the memory.

"Oh." Was all Kyra could manage in her state of shock and embarrassment. "Suddenly I am feeling like a bit of a bitch," she added laughingly.

"That's an adjective I would never use to describe you." Rick offered with a natural smile that dismantles the bitterness of their respective failed marriages. She repays with a more vibrant smile that she has always kept on tap for him. And just like that, all the wonderful memories of their summer on their rooftop, weekends at her family's estate, and quite nights in came flooding back and he felt like they were right back there.

* * *

"So, I know you were running towards 59th, but would you be interested in rerouting and joining me?" Kyra tentatively asked while running a hand through her thick mane. "I'll even throw in coffee."

"Alright you've convinced me. Always such a sales woman, but then again I could never really resist you, could I?" he said breaking out his charismatic Playboy charm.

"Mhmm, you really are and incorrigible flirt aren't you." Kyra laughed, giving him a gentle shove on his bulky shoulder.

They walked down the path side by side, easily slipping into casual conversation. It was never hard to get lost in a labyrinth of conversation with Kyra. Rick and her always just strolled their way through topics and ideas, fueled by each other's creative minds.

They caught up on what they have been up to lately. Kyra explained that she has opened another art gallery and is working with partners in Paris to catch a few rising artists on the scene there. Her eye for artistic talent was astounding; in fact it was Kyra who convinced Rick that his writing deserved publication, even after being denied by countless publishing houses.

Rick told his stories of working with Beckett and the boys at the 12th and how it has become more than just research for him. He got lost in telling her how he finally felt like he was doing something noble and worthwhile. Castle tried to explain the feeling of satisfaction, pride, and accomplishment that washed over him when he helped bring closure to the victim's family. Of course many of his stories featured Beckett as the leading lady and that caught Kyra's attention.

* * *

"You and Beckett, are you guys together?" she finally blurted out with a sense of jealousy in the back of her mind that was completely irrational. She had no claim over Rick, she left him to move to London and then again to walk down the aisle toward another man. Yet part of her would always carry that flame of what they once shared.

"No. We are… we may have…um," he stammered trying to accurately describe what it was exactly that he and Beckett were. They weren't together, he was painfully aware of that; yet he felt committed to her, which made it impossible to say he was single. It was complicated to say the least.

"We are not together, no. But…" and again he was at a lost.

"But... You want to be together?" Kyra supplied.

In his mind he was immediately screamed, _God yes!_ It's all he has wanted for the past four years. But he was angry and hurt now. He was sick of being painted as the unhelpful pain in her ass. _He was more than that God damn it_, he was her _partner_, and she just would _not_ give him the credit.

But what was he basing this hope of a pending relationship with her on?

An obscure promise wrapped in convoluted subtext, that if _she_ solved her mother's case _she_ could have the kind of relationship _she_ wanted. Nothing was said about she _and him_. Part of Castle wanted to believe that the little touches, the lingering stares, and the uninhibited smiles that blossomed between them lately meant that he was scaling her walls, moving forward.

Another part of him wondered if it was all just his imagination assigning significance to meaningless gestures. As these weeks passed and she seemed constantly irritated and aggravated by him, the latter part of him was gaining more convincing evidence. Suddenly, Lewis Caroll's words struck Castle with the truth that, "Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place."

* * *

"Rick?" She asked focusing his attention again, "You want to be together?"

"You know Kyra, I thought I did, but I've been thinking lately that is just isn't going to happen. But, hey, a guy can hope and try," Castle replied with an accepting tone. He would keep running.

* * *

**A/N: REVIEW! pretty please!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Don't own the characters. Life's not fair. **

**A/N: So I flew solo on this chapter, my undercover beta is injured, so thoughts are going out to you Keddster. Hope this makes you feel a bit better! That being said readers, be lenient on my horrific spelling and grammar errors and enjoy the damn story already! xoxo:D**

**Chapter 3**

Kate couldn't fret over Castle's absence for long on Friday. She did as he suggested and took a look at the vic's visit to the bank, which started the dominos falling, leading the team right to their perp. The day had come to end with a clean close at six that evening. Ryan raced home to Jenny like an adorable, eager puppy and Espo sauntered out for a date, leaving Beckett alone in precinct's lobby debating her next move.

_Usually_, on nights like these, Castle would insist on taking her to Remy's to celebrate.

_Usually_ he would convince her to come to the loft for a movie night or dessert with Alexis- he never truly had to convince her. She just put on a show of resistance, not that she would tell him that.

_Usually_ they would stay up late into the night laughing at each other, revealing each other secrets, and sharing stories.

_Usually_, on nights like these, he was her best friend.

_Tonight was not the usual_, she thought.

It was a whirlwind of a day as she followed up on the trail of leads, but every so often she would glance at Castle's chair or notice the echoing silence that persisted where one of his inappropriate comments typically filled, and she would miss him.

Kate _missed_ his physical presence: his baby blue eyes that stared with adoration and admiration, his thick dark hair that was always calling to her fingers for attention, and his large strong hands that conjured up all sorts of smutty images in her mind.

She _missed_ his persistent personality: his childish humor that lightened her daily burdens, his loyalty to their partnership that gave her confidence and support, and their smoldering chemistry that made theorizing about murders exciting.

Damn she _missed_ him, _all of him_. _What the hell do I do with that_?

She _needed_ Castle, that revelation called for the unparalleled wisdom of one Lanie Parish, M.D.. With that knowledge; Kate walked out of the precinct, phone in hand.

* * *

"Hey girl, I was wondering when you were going to call me," Lanie smugly answered.

"You were expecting my call?" Kate asked with a puzzled look on her face before it dawned on her, "What did Ryan and Espo tell you?"

"Oh something about a tiff between Mom and Dad and they may have mentioned that you were staring at Castle's vacant chair with a full on pout today."

"God, those boys gossip like a pair of thirteen year old girls." Kate said with mock agitation.

"Well it's the only way I found out _anything_ these days Miss Tight Lips, but I _need_ the dirty details from you girl. And _don't_ gyp me."

* * *

Castle spent Friday morning lounging- _not_ "moping," as his mother put it- around his apartment, reacquainting his ass with his desk chair, trying to get some writing done. Although, every time he attempted to write something for Nikki it turned into complete incoherent _shit_. But he felt the urge to write something, anything. Still, _nothing_ came.

Castle's mind was a tangle of half thoughts and plots, nothing sticking long enough to firmly grasp and take off with. He tried to draw inspiration from envisioning Kate's pensive, determined glare as she unnerved a suspect. But before he realized it he was imagining Kyra's boisterous laugh that erupted, uninhibited, at the coffee shop yesterday.

His mind ran through yesterday's events again and again, from the harsh words from Beckett to the soothing balm Kyra provided to his pride. He tried to grasp a tangible conclusion that he could base his expectations on. But, yet again, he was left with uncertainty on how he felt and how they felt.

His life was on giant fucking contradiction and writers _hate_ contradictions.

The one certainty was that he was confused as hell and spending the day with Kyra, a _single_ Kyra, helped _nothing_.

Castle had almost forgotten what it was like to be accepted at face value. With Kyra things were _easy_, straight forward; the moment they started catching up, it was as if they were both fresh out of college with nothing but time and attraction between them.

Yet there was still so much _unknown_ between who they were _now_. And that intrigued Castle.

With Kate, things were difficult.

_No, not always,_ he amended.

Kate was work. Sure, some things came effortlessly between them: Their chemistry sparkled, their mysterious minds meshed, and their intricate history gave them an underlying bond that was nearly unbreakable.

But he was getting tired of constantly striving for her approval, incessantly falling short, just out of reach of who she needs him to be. Castle always felt as though he had to measure up to an invisible standard Kate held.

And for that, she made him a better made him a better writer, a better father, and a better friend. Just better with her, because of her.

His pride argued that he wasn't a bad man to _begin_ with. Castle was an honest and caring man in the past with Kyra, and that core being had not changed. Why couldn't Kate see that? Kyra could.

* * *

_He and Kyra walked to a coffee shop and down memory lane. They laughingly recalled the trip up to her family's cabin in the Adirondacks and how they couldn't figure out how to turn on the heat in the ancient matchbox of a house._

_"Yeah, but we figured out better ways to stay warm," Rick jokingly commented with a wink, sitting at a small table in the corner of a coffee shop they had made their way too. _

_"Body heat is very effective," Kyra said with a smoldering tone and a suggestive smirk, "Oh, you should use that for the next Nikki book!"_

_"Oh definitely, I'm sure Beckett would love that." Rick replies with contempt._

_"Mhmm, a book inspired by her with a title inspired by an ex-girlfriend. Thats like writer-muse infidelity isn't it?" Kyra wondered. _

_"She could care less who inspires me. She would just hate the rumors it would start about our involvement. God forbid she be romantically linked to such a jackass," Rick sardonically replied with a dejected look on his face. _

_"Jackass is the last adjective I would use to describe you Rick," Kyra consoles putting a hand over his on the table, mirroring his earlier words. He looks up at here with a thankful smile, she could always read him like an open book._

_"Yeah? And what adjectives would you use?" He could not believe he was encouraging this flirtatious banter, but Kyra's easy going nature was like a vacuum that sucked reluctance right out of his system. It was their natural dynamic. _

_"Hm, well attention whore comes to mind," she coyly responded, shooting him a gleeful smile. _

_"I'm not denying that, I'm the sluttiest of attention whores. But I like to work for the attention and then I bask in it."_

_"Well then its settled. I present thee, Richard Castle the strumpet of attention," she laughingly declared. After their chuckling subsided, a silence settled before Kyra added,"But more appropriate and fitting adjectives that come to mind when I think of you are caring, trustworthy, loyal, and absolutely ruggedly handsome," she said, shaking her head with a devious grin. _

_"Oh you must be talking to Detective Ryan, he would full heartedly agree with that descriptor. Though those other adverbs may be a bit exaggerated."_

_"Detective Ryan? Was he the cute one with the blue eyes?" Kyra asked, trying to recall the hectic events of her wedding day. _

_"Cute? Blue eyes? Kyra Blaine you totally had the hots for Ryan! and on your wedding day! With your ex boyfriend suddenly reappearing!" Rick replied, excitedly flabbergasted._

_"I confirm nothing." She stated, sitting up straight and angling her eyes away from Rick. Everything between them now was innocent, playful. They fell into their old dynamic with no intention of letting it lead them anywhere other than a momentary escape. _

_"Well you always were a good multi-tasker, but unfortunately for you, he is happily a newlywed."_

_"Trying to set me up on a date and my divorce papers aren't even finalized, tisk tisk Rick." She laughed, but her smile quickly faded. Silence fell over them as Kyra's mind raced a mile a minute and Rick waited patiently for her, knowing her well enough to avoid platitudes. For a few minutes the only communication between the two exes was Rick's comforting hand slipping into Kyra's. His thumb repeatedly brushed over her knuckles, knowing exactly what she was going through. _

_"Divorced," she numbly stated. "God I can't believe that is where my life is. Its humiliating and so damn difficult to accept. I'm a pathetic divorce' now." Kyra buried her face into her hands, shaking it to dispel the harsh realization, fighting the tears that pricked her eyes, and swallowing the vice grip squeezing her throat. Rick took both her hands in his, sitting silently until Kyra looked up into his eyes._

_"You're not pathetic Kyra. Greg is. He is the one that should be ashamed, humiliated, beat up," Castle offered with a sad smile and tilted head, "Things will get better, I promise."_

_Kyra took in Rick, his sincere eyes radiating comfort and empathy. Suddenly, he was a different man sitting across from her. Underneath the goofy, care-free, man-child was a slightly weathered man with small amounts of heart break etched across his features. He was no longer only the young, blithe, imaginative boy she fell so deeply in love with; but he was also a father, a writer, a provider, a man. _

_"You're different Rick." She said after a minute. _

_"We both are, we knew each other in another life. In a lot of ways we are strangers." Rick said with a small smile on his lips hoping to pull her out of her melancholy. _

_"We should remedy that." _

* * *

Kate was settled, sprawled out across Lanie's couch, glass of red wine cradled to her chest and a blank stare on her face. Lanie came over to collapse into her chair, legs swinging over the arm of the chair. She took a sip of her wine in preparation for pulling Beckett's metaphorical, informational teeth.

"Alright, enough is enough Kate. I let you _deflect_ your way through our phone call, _mope_ and _stall_ through dinner, and _divert_ every conversation away from Castle. Time to fess up girl. No if, ands, or buts unless it's your scrawny ass being kicked by yours truly. Now spill."

Kate rolled her eyes and gave a hefty sigh, knowing that she couldn't get out of talking now. Lanie could be very forceful when she needed to be. And she _always_ needed to be when it came to Beckett and Castle.

"I'm stressed and I snapped at him. Nothing out of the usual." Kate offered in a last ditch effort to segue away from the topic.

"Want to take a gulp of that Merlot and try again, because I _know_ you did not just try to pull that shit on me." Kate did as she was told, knocking back the last three sips of her wine in one gulp.

"First things first, get the bottle," Kate started, pointing to the kitchen counter.

* * *

Once their glasses were filled, Kate began, "So, as you know the case load has been insane and I have been a bit stressed and sleep deprived. It is _so_ unreasonable to have a short fuse?"

"No, but I'm missing the part where Castle comes into this, though I can predict how this story goes."

"I'm not really sure when the fight started, but I was just pissed off at everything yesterday and in hind sight I was_ kind of_ a bitch to him," Kate reluctantly admitted, though she has already professed to herself that she was completely horrible to him yesterday. "I snapped at him a few times about messing with the board, then my coffee burned my tongue and I blamed him."

"That's _it_?" Lanie asked confused.

"No," Kate began, still reluctant to explain the rest of the story. "Castle said something about soothing my tongue and ugh, I totally freaked out on him..."

"Because you _so_ want him to sooth your tongue with _his_ and, let me guess, you used reaction formation as a defensive mechanism and bit his head off?"

"I _so_ hate you." Kate dead panned.

"Reaction formation _again_. Geez Kate, getting a bit transparent," Lanie laughed." So what did you say?"

"I _sort of_ called him an arrogant jack ass and insinuated that he uses that line with his bimbos," Kate quickly mumbled with a grimace, yet again realizing just how hurtful she had been.

Lanie slapped a arm across her eyes, shaking her head in the crook of her elbow, feigning exasperation. "Girl, what in the _hell_ am I going to do with you?"

"Kick my scrawny ass?"

"If I _thought_ it'd knock some damn sense into you I definitely _would_. I'm going to be blunt with you here..."

"Aren't you _always_?" Kate cut in.

"Well since you _think_ you speak fluent subtext, which you _clearly do not, _someone has to lay it out there for you. You need to stop hiding from your _real_ emotions with exaggeration and avoidance."

"I am _not_ avoiding anything," Kate defended.

"Oh you aren't? Mhmm, then why didn't you call Castle to go to Remy's after the case was closed? Or why haven't you told him you're seeing a therapist. Or why haven't you told him you heard him say 'I lo.."

"_Alright_! alright, alright. I get it. I avoid."

"Everybody does honey. You're not a bad person because your a bit afraid of your feelings, but..."

"I'm not afraid." Kate interrupted indignantly. Lanie's pursed lips, arched brow, and stern glare was all Kate needed to retract her statement.

"Fine I'm terrified, and yes I realize I just used reaction formation again, and _yes_ your a genius. Get over it." Kate laughed, hoping to lighten the mood.

"Glad you can accept it. _As I was saying_, if you keep this up you might loose him. Look at if from his point of view Kate, think about how little Castle actually knows."

As Kate ponders that thought, she realizes that she really hasn't told him much at all since she has been back from her father's cabin and its been months. She has kept them at a stand still. But she is still healing, becoming a person who can give them a real chance. She knows there is a lot at stake and doesn't want to fuck it up. _There's too much to loose. _

"He knows I'm not ready Lanie. I can't jump into this with all my hang ups. We will crash and burn," Kate responded, still slightly defensive.

"And he is willing to wait. He has clearly proven that. But damn girl throw the guy a bone. Let him know that the waiting will be worth it. He doesn't even know if you want him to wait."

"I told him to though," Kate said confused.

"No. Think back Kate. You've _never_ given him firm confirmation and the fact that he is waiting for you based on subtext layered in metaphors wrapped in a fucking enigma of expected chastity is pretty damn impressive if you ask me." Lanie added with a smug grin. She had always been a fan of Castle, hoped he would get a shot.

"_Fuck_. Why is _everything_ so convoluted with us? He doesn't even know I _want_ him and he is waiting for me, and I called him a jack ass, an _arrogant one_, and I acted like I didn't care if he slept around." Kate panicked before a beat of silence.

_Fuuuck_, Lanie _what do I do_?" Kate commiserated, getting more worked up. She through back the rest of her wine, needing the inhibitor.

"Calm your shit girl, " Lanie advised with a reassuring smile, "First off, apologize. Clear and straight forward apology for yesterday. Then you have to step up and have a conversation with him before he gives up."

"He's _mad_ Lanie. He full on glared at me, stood right up, and walked out of the precinct. _He'_s the one avoiding me now, hasn't spoken to me except to tell me he wouldn't be in today."Kate whined, laying her head back against the couch, closing her eyes, and sighing in pent up frustration. "What if he already gave up?" she asked in a moment of insecurity.

"Oh honey," Lanie started, getting up to sit next to Kate on the couch. "You may not be ready to face it, but that boy is head over heals in _love_ with you in a very real way. A little bitchyness wont change that. But it doesn't change the fact that he deserves an apology."

"I _hate_ when your right." Kate said with a deep, accepting sigh.

"Let me tell you, it gets _exhausting_ when it happens all the time." Lanie added bumping Kate's shoulder.

* * *

**A/N 2.0: Review, do it! you know you want too! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own these wonderfully complex characters.**

**A/N: This is kind of a filler chapter, need it to build the plot up. Hope you enjoy it! The cost of getting this up early is that it didn't get edited by the lovely Keddster. I was too impatient and wanted some reviews. So with out further ado...**

**Chapter 4**

The weekend passes with more of the same worrying and fretting for Beckett. She was on call Sunday, which offered a decent enough distraction from the anxiety bubbling within about her pending apology to Castle come Monday. Beckett was called in early that morning to over see the processing of a pop and drop in Central Park, but there was no challenge to the case, which, unfortunately, allowed for her mind to over-think and over-analyze.

Beckett sat at her desk trapped in her mind for the morning, reviewing her conversation with Castle at those swings. He was so angry with her. _How could he not be utterly furious?_ Kate thought to herself. Beckett completely abandon him that summer. But, she was hurt, a victim, healing and had the right to do it on her own.

Kate _needed_ that space, that escape, to crawl out of the dark hole she fell into when that bullet hit her heart. She was broken and Castle _couldn't_ see her like that; _he would have realized I wasn't his strong mysterious muse, but a scared little girl with PTSD, trust issues, and slew of hang ups. He would have_ left.

So instead _she_ left. She ran and hid from all the 'what ifs' and in the process she left a broken, hurt man. She thought about him constantly during those summer days, days she desperately tried to fill so they would pass and she would be healed.

Beckett imagined that he was spending his summer days with Alexis in the Hamptons; lighting fire crackers, barbecuing cook outs, and writing in solitary. _Alone_, just like she was. She left him alone and lonely and confused.

_I watched you die in that ambulance._' He watched her heart stop beating and her lungs stop expanding. He was left helpless and exposed, then she just left him without any real explanation other than 'I need a little bit of time.'

_God, no wonder he could hardly look at me on those swings. _

But Kate was angry _too_, and understandably so. She lost a mentor and a friend that night in the hangar. Yet, in a strange and heart wrenching paradox Kate was betrayed by that same mentor and friend in such a deep way. She was left desperate for the answers as to _why_. _Why_ didn't Montgomery tell her? _Why_ was her mother killed? _Why_ her? What had she done to deserve such loss, such heartbreak, such deception and treachery?

And when Roy died, those answers, which had been so close, evaporated with his last breath. And Castle was the one who took her out of the equation that night, dragged her out and ripped away her options and her influence, making her powerless yet again. He did that.

_No. No. No._

_He saved me, he took care of me, he loved me. _Kate reminded and reprimanded herself.

She had placed her anger at the entire situation; at the actions of her captain and at the evils of this world on Castle. Her fury and confusion manipulated her unexplainable questions into a concrete and controllable anger toward Castle. Then she used that anger to justify hiding at her father's cabin.

She _knew_ that. Burke _showed_ her that. But, damn it, she never showed Castle.

That day at the swings she was so caught up in seeing him again, selfishly caught up in the information about her mother's case, and caught up in the surge of emotion that seized her mind, body and soul when she saw this man who _loved_ her. Loved her _still_, even after all she had done, even though she was still broken. '_Watching the life drain out of someone you... someone you care about_.'

With all that swirling in her mind, she missed her chance to explain things to Castle. She _thought_ she had explained that she _wanted_ him, _them_, if he could wait for her. But no. Now she realized exactly what she had told him.

_Oh geez, I started the conversation with saying how much I like Josh? Really?! Idiot..._

She meant to say, "I really, really like him. But that wasn't enough because I really, really love you."

_But no, I was scared and cowardly._

Instead she explained that she couldn't have the kind of relationship she wanted with her mother's case in the way. And bless that man, he grabbed onto that like a life preserver and that was a testament to how well he knew her, he knew that on some level Kate was talking about a relationship with him.

But now she saw that his waiting for her was based on unstable foundation that could easily collapse with comments about his nonexistent bimbos. The nonexistent bimbos that she was irrationally jealous of.

_Ugh, fucking introspection. I need a cup of coffee with a shot of Baileys, _Kate thought as she pushed up from her desk, striding toward the break room for that virgin cup of coffee.

Right as she grabbed a mug, the door slammed open and a rookie shuffled in, "Detective Beckett we need you in Interrogation 2."

With a sigh Kate hung her head and geared up for the rest of her shift.

* * *

"So you convince me to meet you breakfast at_ 7:30 in the morning_ on my _day off_ and you bring me here?" Kyra light-heartedly complained, gesturing to the hole-in-the-wall falafel stand. After deciding to 'remedy' the their estranged relationship yesterday, Rick and Kyra continued to catch up and laugh over coffee. Kyra further explained the details of her divorce and Rick recounted the incident with Kate's comment. He walked Kyra to the subway and along the way convinced her to meet up with him in the morning.

"Ky, its the best falafel in the city I swear, magic chickpeas and enchanted pita bread or something," Rick grinned before opening the door for her.

"The place might be good but that doesn't change the fact that it's 7:30 in the morning, again I reiterate, on my day off!" Kyra frowned in mock distress as they sat at a small wrought iron table.

"You never were a morning person, were you?"

"As I remember neither were you, Mr. 'Ten more minutes,'"Kyra shot back, reminding Rick of his inability to avoid the snooze button.

"Yeah, I had such an unbreakable bond with that snooze button. It was just me and her every morning."

"I knew you were cheating on me! You never did just pressed your snooze button, you caressed it, " Kyra quipped with laughter as the waiter came up to take their order.

"Amir! My good friend, how are you, where's Alexis?" The Arab waiter with steely green eyes asked Rick, much to Kyra's confusion.

"I'm doin' good Jamal, she's sleeping in today. How are you?" Castle replied easily, smirking at Kyra's amused expression.

"The sun is up and so am I, must be a good day," the waiter replied in a slight Arab accent. "What can I get for you and this lovely lady?"

"Mind if I order for us?" Rick asked, smiling at her, and Kyra nodded in response. "We will have two falafels, one chicken shawarma, tea, and a few quatayef."

Rick handed back the menus and said his goodbyes to Jamal before turning back to face Kyra.

"How in the world did you find this place, and how do they know you so well?" Kyra probed with genuine interest.

Rick gave an excited smile, leaning over the table and shifting into story mode. "Well when Alexis was about five I would read her a bedtime story every night and we started reading Arabian Nights, the more tame, appropriate stories anyway. She was completely taken with it all, watched Lawrence of Arabia and Aladdin daily for weeks on end. So one day after she played at the park..."

"_You_ played at the park, using your daughter as an excuse..." Kyra interrupted, grinning even wider when Rick conceited with a nod.

"Yes, after _we_ played at the park we walked by this place," he explained, gesturing around him. "Alexis saw the Arabic writing and dragged me in. Jamal was only about nine and he came up with his older brother, to take our order. Alexis had all sorts of questions for him, which he patiently answered, they're actually good friends to this day. We've been coming here ever since. It's family owned and Jamal's father has some fantastic stories, but don't ever play backgammon with the man."

"That is adorable that you read to her, I wish I was around to see that," Kyra mentioned. She would have loved to watch Rick grow from the young man he was into a father that was so obviously head over heels for his little girl. "Why'd he call you Amir?" Kyra prompted

"Jamal figured out that Richard means 'powerful leader,' and thats what Amir means in Arabic."

"Oh powerful leader huh? I bet you just love that." Kyra taunted leaning closer to him over the table. His eyes had always drawn her in, she never like to talk to him and not be looking at him directly in the eye because they were so expressive and told a story of their own.

"Eh, I don't mind it. But it comes with great responsibility."

Kyra burst out into laughter, "If I had a dime for every time you alluded to or quoted a comic book character, I'd be as rich as you."

"Yeah what can I say I know good literature." Rick smugly says while stretching his arms out and over his head. It felt so good to have Kyra to talk and flirt with because there wasn't any disguised subtext, crossed lines, or walls. Neither of them wanted to delve into what their newly forming friendship meant and instead silently decided to just enjoy each other's company in the middle of their hectic lives.

* * *

"So what's the plan for this morning?" Kyra asked as the worked on their shared shawarma.

"Well I called my old lawyer, Freddy, last night and he said that he would have a quick half hour to meet you and talk about the gallery and settlement for the apartment or whatever. Basically just a quick meet up to see if you like him."

"Ugh! I cannot believe Greg is gunning for my gallery! Such an asshole."

"He wont get it. Freddy handled both my divorce proceedings and we were dealing with Gina's grubby, tenacious hands and Meredith's custody threats. Freddy is a divorce attorney warrior."

"Better be, Greg is gearing up with a whole team of top notch prick attorneys."

"I hate that guy." Rick said with conviction.

"That makes two of us. God I want to castrate that bastard!" Kyra seethed.

"Hey Ky, don't let him get to you alright. The more of a rise he gets out of you the more he wins here."

"Damn you and your rationality and your baby blue eyes, can't you just let me stay mad?" Kyra joked, pulling a surprised laugh from Rick. "In all seriousness Rick, thank you so much for all you're doing, and not just introducing me to Freddy but for letting me vent. I needed this."

"Listen Grá, there is no thanks required. I've been where you are and I was lonely and miserable, and that's the last thing I want for you. So I'm here for you." Rick replied honestly. _  
_

_Grá, _what he used to call her when they were in love. It's Irish gaelic for _love_. He had started calling her that after they visited her relatives in Ireland one summer. And now, he just dropped it into the sentence without noticing, like it was a habit, a beautiful habit. Butterflies fluttered through Kyra's stomach remembering how he used to whisper it to her right before he kissed her below her ear.

Just then his phone beeped on the table.

"Shit, I forgot my phone is dying. Mind if we stop by the precinct, I left my charger there Friday. It's on the way." Rick said.

"Sure thing, speaking of the precinct..."

"Smooth segue there Ky. Real subtle." Rick joked in attempt to steer the conversation away from where it was headed. Why was every woman in his life dead set on dragging him through conversations about Kate Beckett.

_They're always the same: Do you love her? **Yes.** Does she love you? Don't think so. Has anything progressed? **No.** What did you do wrong then? **Nothing!**_

"You're seriously harping on my skills in subtlety? You're the _least _subtle person on earth," Kyra laughed at Rick's mock indignation. "Subtle or not we are segueing to a conversation about you and Kate. Have you talked to her or are you still giving her the silent treatment?"

"Its not the silent treatment, I'm just giving her some space. Which is what she is always asking for anyway."

"You still mad at her?" Kyra wondered as they stood from the table.

Rick said his goodbyes to Jamal and his father, Nasir, before grabbing Kyra's hand and looping it through his crooked elbow to walk down the street.

"I'm not really mad at her, just... No, you know what, I _am_ mad. I _can't_ believe after _all_ we have been through together, _all_ I have done for her and shown her she would make a comment like that. Beckett just refuses to give me credit for the ways I've changed and refuses to discredit the stupid 'Richard Castle Playboy Author' rumors. It's like she uses that as an excuse to _not_ to give us a shot. If she thinks I am sleeping around and partying, she _really_ isn't paying any God damn attention to how hard I'm trying here. I mean I haven't had sex with anyone in _months_!" Rick exclaimed in a worked up rant before realizing what he just basically yelled on a very public, very crowded New York City street.

His face turned beat red as his pace picked up to round the corner, Kyra in tow. "Woah, what? Rick slow down!"

Castle refused to look her in the eyes, the embarrassment clear on his face and in his posture. Kyra, always able to read Rick, knew not to make him repeat it.

"So you haven't... been with anyone in a while? Because you're waiting for her?" Kyra casually asked. She kept her eyes straight forward and let him set the pace of both their walk and conversation.

After a long pause of silence and speed walking Rick slowed them down and answered, "Yeah, I'm waiting for her like a pitiful, pathetic puppy, waiting to get picked."

"Hey, you're not pathetic. If _she_ hasn't taken her chance when _you_ picked _her_, it's her loss. Maybe it's time to move on?"

* * *

**A/N 2.0: Review, PLEASE! I love hearing what you readers think. Don't hate me too much for the relationship blooming between Rick and Kyra. REVIEW!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Don't own a thing except the clothes on my back **

**A/N: Because I got some awesome reviews from some GREAT readers (shout out to: TORONTOSUN, Eocastle, and the always marvelous Keddster) I pushed on and wrote the next chapter, lucky for you all. Yet AGAIN I did not get this edited by my mentor because I am so impatient- so forgive the errors and enjoy the story!  
**

**Please Review! **

**Chapter 5**

_**Previously on Small World...**_

_"So you haven't... been with anyone in a while? Because you're waiting for her?" Kyra casually asked. She kept her eyes straight forward and let him set the pace of both their walk and conversation._

_After a long pause of silence and speed walking Rick slowed them down and answered, "Yeah, I'm waiting for her like a pitiful, pathetic puppy, waiting to get picked."_

_"Hey, you're not pathetic. If she hasn't taken her chance when you picked her, it's her loss. Maybe it's time to move on?"_

* * *

Rick absorbed Kyra's words and just the thought of moving on felt forbidden. He had wanted and waited for Kate for so long that even the slightest idea of giving up was a slippery slope. Some nights, especially after the countless rejections issued from Beckett, he pondered trying casual dating again, but those thoughts sent anxiety surging through his whole being. Just the notion of loosing Kate in any capacity, whether physical or emotional, caused Rick to panic.

He loved her and that meant he wanted to be her one and done, but it also meant Castle would be there for Kate in anyway she would have him: Friend, partner, plucky side-kick. Pride had no place in his pure love for Kate Beckett. Damn,_ I really am pathetic_.

"Maybe...She wouldn't be easy to get over though," Rick mused with a shrug, "Hell, she hasn't been easy to get under," he finished with a coquettish smirk.

"Oh _gross_ Rick. C'mon don't be a jack ass," Kyra groaned, shoving his shoulder laughingly. "And don't try and tell me she wouldn't be more than a conquest to you. You can't use your douche bag charmer act on me. I _know_ you and I know you love her, the real love- like _our_ love."

"Ugh, stop being so insightful and _caring._ Can't you just be like everyone else and not give a shit about me? "

"Oh hush up. There is only enough self pity for one of us today and _I'm_ the one who needs to meet with a divorce lawyer so I win."

"But-"

"_Nah_! Nope. Shut it and go grab your charger." Kyra cut him off with a 'quiet coyote' gestured to his face and then pointed to the doors of the 12th that they had suddenly come upon.

Rick shoved his hands in his pockets with a shrug and a pout. "Fine. But I get to be self-loathing and pitiful tomorrow," he concluded petulantly before giving a quick, utterly Rick-like, grin and dashing up the stairs.

"I'll be back down in a sec, time me!"

* * *

"Yeah have CSU rule out Sean Collin's prints, he has a solid alibi and get that rookie to canvas the building. I'm at the precinct so I'll dip into the financials... Sure thing, bye," Kate said into her phone to Karpowski as she slammed her car door shut. She was able to park on the street outside the precinct, which has only happened three times in her career. _Maybe things are finally looking up,_ she thought to herself.

She rounded the car and set a quick pace towards the precinct doors. Beckett got up the first step before someone out of the corner of her eye caught her attention._ Then again, maybe my day would just keep getting worse._

Kate's detectives eye quickly took in every detail it could grab. There was the familiar auburn, curly haired woman leaned casually against the brick wall of the precinct, attention focused on her phone. She wore a long, deep red pea coat with a thick cream colored scarf. Underneath the unbuttoned coat was a clinging, black sweater paired with ass fitting jeans and riding boots. Kate quickly looked down at her own body: grey slacks, black turtleneck, black peacoat, scuffed boots._ Fuck I really need to do laundry. Bite the bullet Beckett. _

"Kyra?" Kate asked, leaning backwards off a step to catch the woman's eye. She was genuinely surprised to see her here at the precinct and couldn't come up with a logical explanation, though a red flag went up in her mind, which she promptly ignored.

* * *

Rick proceeded to sprint through the doors of the precinct, saluted Frank, the security guard who ushered people through the metal detectors. Castle jumped the turnstile, striding to the door to the stairs, then bound up the four flights, loosing momentum by the second. As subtle as Castle could ever be, he slipped into the bullpen, scanning all the while for Beckett.

In all honesty, Castle was hoping he wouldn't run into Beckett. He was still upset with her and his rant with Kyra had brought everything to the surface. Plus he actually did want to get a decent time on his run. He sidled up to Beckett's desk, squatted down to the extension cord beneath it, and yanked out his phone charger.

Castle stood back up casting one last glance, on the look out for Beckett's carmel, cascading curls._ Target not acquired,_ he thought_. Thank God. _

Every thought about Beckett was ensnared in a civil war. He longed to see her, talk to her, just be with her. Yet he was still hurt and getting more and more frustrated at her indecision and her completely incongruent signals. Everyday was like she picked a new petal on the daisy; I love him, I love him not, I love him.

_Ha! She loves me? What a joke._

He just couldn't deal with seeing her today only to be strung along, not with the embers of his feelings for Kyra being dangerously rekindled._  
_

* * *

"Oh my God! Detective Beckett, its so good to see you again. How are you?" Kyra sweetly asked, apparently excited to see her, much to Beckett's annoyance

"I'm doing well, thank you. Um, are you waiting for...me?"

"Oh, duh, you're probably wondering what I'm doing here. No, not waiting for you, actually Rick and I are..." Just as Kyra started to explain a sudden gust of wind blew past them and a loud thump echoed on the sidewalk beside Kate as Rick leapt the last three steps of the precinct, charger victoriously in hand.

"TIME!"

"Three minutes, forty seven seconds. Geez Rick, did you run up the stairs?" Kyra asked after glancing at the timer on her phone. Rick rested his hands on his knees, thoroughly out of breath, and nodded in confirmation causing Kyra to let out a intemperate laugh. Becket stood on the first step with a hand on her hip and the other pushing the hair out of her face in a sense of shock and confusion. Instantaneously she shoved down the worry that was flooding her mind.

_Why is Castle here? Why is Kyra here? and why the hell are they here together!?_

"So as I was saying before The Flash here crossed the finish line," Kyra picked up again, sliding a hand down Rick's arm- a gesture that did not go unnoticed by Kate. "Rick and I are on our way to meet an old friend of his, a divorce attorney. Turns out Greg is a cheating ass hole. Some foreshadowing huh?" Kyra finished with a huff.

"Hey, good use of a literary device," Rick complimented. "And I forgot my phone charger here on Friday. You get called in?" he asked, turning to Kate who was at a loss for words at the moment.

"Uhm, Ye-Yeah. Pop and drop in central park, nothing special or exciting. I'm sorry did you say divorce attorney?" Kate asked shifting her attention back to Kyra, trying to absorb all the information that was flying at here.

"Yep, Greg and I are, um, well... we are getting a divorce," Kyra admits casting her gaze down. She was still so humiliated to have to announce it, she couldn't believe that this was now part of her identity. Kyra Blaine, owner of two art galleries, Colombia graduate, likes cats, previously married but now divorced.

Kate immediately felt guilty for making Kyra repeat her situation and felt even worse when she saw Rick put his arm around Kyra's shoulders giving her a half hug in comfort. "I'm so sorry to hear that Kyra."

"Thanks Detective Bec..."

"Please call me Kate."

"Well thank you Kate, now I really wish you had arrested Greg's ass all those years ago," Kyra sardonically joked to move the conversation away from her marital failures.

Sensing that thought, Rick jumped in, "Sorry Beckett, I told Freddie we..."

"Castle can I talk to you for a minute?" Beckett abruptly interrupted. She was panicking and knew it, but she couldn't calm the insecurities that were crashing into her mind like angry waves, pulling her in every direction. Had he given up on her already? Did he move on? How could she compete with his first love?

Suddenly she was desperate to apologize, if she could just get it out everything would be fine, things would go back to normal and he would be there for her, waiting for her until she wasn't so broken.

"Actually, we have to be there at 10:30, that's the only time Freddie can meet with her, so we have to get going."

"Oh, yeah sorry. More important things to deal with I guess." Kate murmured with an irrational bitterness in her tone. _Its so not jealousy. I do not get jealous._

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rick spoke in a more hardened voice. He could not believe she was was accusing him of being insensitive when she spent the past week using him as a punching bag.

"Nothing. It means go to your meeting and I'll... I'll see you tomorrow?" Beckett asked, ashamed at the amount of uncertainty that laced the simple statement, but how could she not be uncertain at this point. She was just hit in the gut with the massive curve ball that was Kyra Blaine's sudden reappearance in Castle's life and what's more is the fact that Kyra was now unattached,single, available. All things Kate Becket was not. Then her mind suddenly realized that Castle was unattached too; she had no claim, no stake, no right to his affections. He was a free agent and she had been keeping at arms length for months now, not even realizing that one day he could just decide to step further away.

"We'll see. Might have some meetings. But I'll call if that's the case." Rick replied with little emotion to lend insight to the multitude of questions flying around Kate's head.

"See ya Beckett." He concluded as he turned with Kyra to walk down the street. Kate stood stock still completely perplexed, attempting to process what just happened.

* * *

**A/N 2.0: So it was a quick chapter, building up still. Next time on Small World: Jealous Beckett, Lanie Girl Talk, The apology, and more! **

**Please Please PLEASE review for me!**


	6. Chapter 6: Lanie's Soap Opera

**Disclaimer: I own ziltch, nada, nothing.**

**A/N: Okay first things first, following Lanie's previous advice and I'm apologizing to y'all for such a long cliff hanger- life got crazy this week and girl talk and jealous Beckett take time. **

**Anyway! I hope you enjoy this chapter, one more of Lanie's girl talk sessions. Probably one of the last and then its all Caskett and Kyrick?Rikyra? and even a little Katra! **

**Please review!**

**Chapter 6: Lanie's Soap Opera**

At noon, Lanie sat down at her desk in her office that was attached to the morgue. Papers were scattered across its surface and hoarded in drawers and filing cabinets that had no rhyme or reason to their placement. Sticky notes with chicken scratch reminders were plastered across her desk lamp, laptop, picture frames, and bulletin boards. Yep, Lanie was meticulously organized and methodical when it came to autopsies, but when it came to managing files, papers, and charts she was a mess. Although it appeared to have no structure, somewhere hidden deep in the recesses of the doctor's mind was some sort of system that allowed her to find anything at the drop of a hat.

Lanie took out her tupperware full of salad and grilled chicken, calmly popped the lid, placed a paper towel in her lap, and picked up her fork. Just as she was about to put the first bite in her mouth Kate Beckett came striding, no stomping into her office with a look that could kill.

With her fork still poised in front of her mouth, Lanie watched Kate pace from right to left in quick, determined strides, muttering to herself. Beckett looked like a starved, caged animal.

Immediately Lanie knew the one person that could get the, typically calm and composed, detective this riled up: Richard freakin' Castle. With a slight smirk of laughter, Lanie leaned back in her chair and waited for Kate to realize she had reached her desired destination and get out of her own head.

"Forgot his charger? Puh-lease...rubbing it in is more like it..." Kate muttered to herself in a mumbled, though audible tone of unabridged frustration. Lanie continued to listen, only able to make out fragments of Kate's rant, which changed tone and inflection based on who she was assumably quoting:

"Oh, '_Rick and I'_ are meeting 'an old friend.' That's fabulous that you two are so freaking chummy." Kate commented after quoting in a high-pitched voice.

"And _foreshadowing_? That's like the _easiest_ literary device in the book! Here let me just rub your arm and feel your biceps, _Rick_. Rick? When he is at the precinct he is _Castle_. Castle, _not Rick_." Kate seethes, saying his first name like it's poisonous.

"'The Flash here,' _Really_? I mean really Lanie," Kate said finally acknowledging the ME's presence, "Could she be any more _blatantly_ obvious in her attempts to stroke his ego?"

"And she is getting divorced! C'mon, its like some perfect love story. Castle and her walking down the street and into the sunset. Long lost lovers finally reunited. What the hell does that make me?! A fucking _footnote_?" Kate finished, face flush, fists clenched and rigid at her sides when they weren't running frantically through her hair. It had been a while since Lanie had seen Kate this worked up, if ever.

"Kate! You need to chill out and take a breath. I can't help you when your ranting this nonsense." Beckett startled, as if she just realized she wasn't alone, even though she had addressed Lanie earlier in her mutterings. Kate halted her pacing and took a deep breath, desperately trying to hold in the moisture that gathered in her lashes.

She felt pathetic. She typically was so in control of her emotions, prided herself in her ability to put them aside and focus. She liked to think she had the habit of gathering all the necessary information before she let herself display her composed reaction. But when Castle and Kyra walked away her heart flipped her mind into overload and a panic took hold. With Lanie's suggested deep breath, Beckett realized that she was spiraling, which was a rarity for the detective.

"Good, okay first tell me who you're talking about? Castle and...?"

"Kyra. Kyra Blaine."

"Little Miss Bride? She's _back_?" Lanie said, lurching forward to brace the edge of the desk in shock at this development in the Caskett Saga. "Wait, so what? She is married. And Castle would _never_ go there after what happened to him."

"No, Lanie she is _single_, available. Her husband cheated on her..."

"Well at least they'll have that to bond over," Lanie muttered absent-mindedly.

"...and Castle just went with her to introduce her to his old divorce lawyer." Kate informed with exasperation lacing her words. "Woah, what do you mean 'have that to bond over?' Have what to bond over?" Kate's panic halted with the confusion of that new information.

"Oh just the unfaithful spouses thing," Lanie said like its old news, unimportant and irrelevant."I cannot believe she is divorcing her husband. How did she even reconnect with Castle? It seems weird to have called up your old flame right when you are getting divorced, kind of desperate and I..."

Lanie's yammering dissolved in Kate's mind as she tried to grasp the, apparently common knowledge that one of Castle's ex-wives cheated on him. It didn't seem like the type of thing Gina would do, she is all business and efficiency. But Kate could easily picture Meredith, flakey and inconsiderate as ever, cheating on a young Castle. Castle having to find a divorce lawyer and fighting for custody of Alexis. It put so much in perspective for Kate and she couldn't believe she hadn't known this, couldn't believe he never told her on those _usual_ nights that they stayed up until three with wine and laughter and secrets.

"How'd you find this all out?...Kate? Hey! I need the full story here, my cabel's out and your love life is the closest thing I have to Genral Hospital," Lanie's joked, which snapped Beckett back to her surroundings

"Meredith cheated on Castle? How do you know?" Kate asked grasping for more details to fill in the blanks.

"He told the boys on a case once, but who cares; that's old news. How did you find out about Kyra? _Details_."

_Ugh, yes one crisis at a time. _Kate decided to mull over thoughts about why he never told her at a later date, probably that night in bed when she wouldn't be able to sleep.

"Castle forgot his charger and stopped by to grab it from my desk I guess. But, I parked outside of the precinct and saw..."

"No way? You got a parking spot outside the precinct?" Lanie asked in ill-timed disbelief.

"I know right? I thought things were finally looking up." Kate quipped, rolling her eyes.

"Not important, back to the story."

"Hey, _you're_ the one who interrupted!" Kate exclaimed, a mixture of excitement and frustration at having finally out smarted Lanie's girl talk strategies.

"I concede your point. Point for Beckett. Now, story time," the ME said, sitting up with a wiggle and rubbing her hands together. Kate couldn't help but let out a laugh at her best friend's enthusiasm. It was like watching a kid prepare for a new episode of his favorite Saturday morning cartoon.

"So I walked up to the Twelfth's doors and I saw Kyra leaning against the wall at the bottom of the steps, all annoyingly adorable in her Burberry jacket and boots. Obviously I had no idea why she was here until Castle jumped, literally, in-between us." At that Lanie gave a questioning, yet unsurprised look.

"Apparently he was timing how fast he could make it up to the bullpen and back. That's when she called him The Flash (enter intense eye roll).He doesn't even _like_ The Flash, who does anyway. I mean calling him Batman, Spiderman, Green Lantern, even Superman would have been more endearing to him." Kate explained getting lost in her jealousy, though she wasn't self-aware enough to realized that was the cause of her tangent.

Lanie huffed out a little laugh, amused at her friend not being able to see just how intricately she knew the writer, but was still dying to here the rest of the story, "_Kate_, get back on track."

"Right. So, they were on their way to meet a divorce attorney and when Kyra told me that Greg cheated on her, Castle gave her a _hug_! Right _in front_ of me, and don't think I missed how Kyra basically sunk her claws into Castle with a little stroke down his arm."

"Geez, I knew you were jealous of her all those year ago but this is a whole new level."

"Oh _please_, I am _not_ jealous. I'm just... _annoyed_. Yes really freaking annoyed and _pissed off_ that she's already sliding under Castle's sheets and she isn't even divorced yet. What kind of person _does_ that?"

"There is_ no way_ in hell Castle is doing the deed with her. Kate don't be so dense, the man is _in love_ with you. That doesn't just disappear with the reappearance of Little Miss Bride. That being said you have to get your ass in gear and make some decisions, take some action."

"Would you _stop_ saying that, please? I've heard it like a _hundred_ times and it helps _nothing_." Kate barked, misplacing her temper and resuming her incessant pacing. "He said that when I was dying in his arms, he is a hopeless romantic, and a writer Lanie, _of course_ he told me he loved me then. He couldn't have written it better himself. He doesn't _really_ love me and I _do not_ love him."

A calm settled over the two friends, well as calm as Kate could be at the moment. She slowed her speed but continued to walk from left to right, back and forth, pausing before changing directions. Lanie watched her friend, sincerely wishing they were under some sort of influence just to loosen the detective up a bit.

"Then what _is_ this?" Lanie sternly asked in challenge.

"What's what?"

"_Ugh_! You are so damn stubborn girl," Lanie exclaimed in genuine frustration. "If you so adamantly believe he doesn't love you and claim you don't love him, then what is it you want with him? From him? What is this jealousy about? How do you want him to behave because you continue to claim that you don't want him to be anything more than he is, yet you're acting like a jealous girlfriend." Lanie ranted, unable to stop once she got going.

Kate stood frozen in the corner of the office, unable to answer because she didn't know the answers to any of those questions. No, that's not right, she knew. But she so rarely allowed herself to confront those desires and giving them a voice made them real and unavoidable. Those deep, unparalleled, intense hungers made her vulnerable in a way that she had not allowed herself to be since her mother was alive. Every time she opened the door to the possibility of that vulnerability it was slammed back in her face; Royce, Will, that summer in the Hamptons.

"I-I want..." Kate stammered, stalling for time to come up with an escape plan to this conversation. "I am not jealous."...and she found one.

Lanie issued an eye roll that rivaled Beckett's. "Kate, hon, I'm on your team, your side. No. matter. What. It comes with the best friend territory. I just want to see you be _happy_, loved. That being said this isn't fair to Castle." Lanie began, resting her head on her glasped hands and stared earnestly at Kate."This denial is hurting him, and regardless of how _you_ feel _I know_ you don't want to hurt him. You can tell me that he doesn't love you and you don't love him until your blue in the face, bask in that denial; I enjoy the drama so by all means go right ahead. But you _know_ as well as I do that he deeply cares about you. So either jump into the deep end or get the hell off the diving board, because he deserves better."

"I don't even know how to jump into this. I'm not ready. How do I even start?" Beckett asked so quietly the doctor didn't even think Kate meant to allow it out of her mind. The detective slumped one elbow over a filing cabinet and rested her head in a hand, carding her fingers into her scalp, the look of trepidation clear on her face.

"I've told you once and I'll tell you every damn day until you get into Writerboy's pants," Lanie joked, trying to bring Kate out of her defeatist gloom. Once Beckett gave a smirk and a looked up at her with renewed armor Lanie continued, "Talk to the man."

The doctor cleaned up her lunch, checked her watch, and stood realizing her lunch break was _very_ over and she was due at a crime scene in TriBeca in five minutes. "Time's up missy, that'll be $150."

Kate gave a half laugh, grabbed her jacket and gloves off the chair across from Lanie's throne, and stepped up to her friend waiting at the door.

"I can't, Lanie. We don't do that, we don't talk about... us." Kate said in a hushed, nearly ashamed tone.

"Well the other option is to cut him loose, give him back to Kyra."

* * *

Companionable silence occupied their walk to the elevators. Lanie, more than glad to let Kate think on their conversation and Kate wishing more than anything she could just rewind to a time when Richard Castle wasn't uprooting her solitude and serenity.

But the deeper part of her, the heart and soul part, wanted to so badly fast forward to a time when she had all she wanted, she had Rick, Rick had her. Where she wouldn't hide from those feelings that ran like a rushing river through her body anytime she saw or thought of the man. She wanted to skip this part, the hard part and just be who she needed to be, who _he needed_ her to be.

_God, this is hard. _

She was hurting him, and _fuck_ that was hard to face. She was being selfish in keeping the secret of remembrance. She held onto that moment of bliss in the middle of overwhelming, gut, soul, heart renching pain, _'Stay with me Kate, don't leave me. Please. Stay with me, okay? Kate, I love you, I love you Kate.'_ Those words pulled her out of the darkness she was in for the entire summer. They were the light at the end of the tunnel, the goal and if she could just get better, fix herself, solve her mother's case then she would be ready. There would be nothing between them and she would know he wasn't just in it for the mystery. She would know for sure. He gave her that hope with his words and with her silence she was stealing every last drop of hope he held.

She didn't want to hurt him, that was never what she meant to happen. She wanted to be with him, have him, love him. But she was terrified and broken. She was terrified he would love her and leave her, horrified that he would become bored once the chase was over, petrified that she would be left alone, ripped apart just like she was when her mother died. All that fear paralyzed her into inaction in a place where she was moderately safe from vulnerability and heart break

_But, damn it, Lanie was right...again._

* * *

**A/N 2.0: Please Review. Thanks for reading! **

**Shout out and good thoughts going out to Keddster**

**Best comment from last chapter goes to Arya's prayers and daisesndaffidols**

**REVIEW!**


	7. Chapter 7: The Talk

**Disclaimer: I don't own a thing but I sure got that swing.**

**A/N: So got some mixed reviews on the last chapter so I tried to step it up with this one, my longest one yet! Shout out to ****Soprano009 and crazy4castle, definitely the best reviews ever!**

**Thanks for reading and I beg you to review, without further ado...**

**See what I did there? with the rhyming? **

**Chapter 7: The Talk**

"Wow, I am _never_ going into a bookstore with you, ever, ever, _ever_ again." Kyra sighed with mock annoyance as she and Rick stepped out of the small, but jam packed book shop.

After meeting Freddie, who turned out to be exactly the kind of lawyer she wanted representing her, Rick invited her along to run errands; basically just wandering around the city. Kyra knew that Rick was just trying take her mind off things ever since he noticed she had a clouded expression on her face, like she had drifted of shore a bit after their meeting. Having to relay all the little details of how her marriage had fallen apart and how resentful and bitter the divorce proceedings were going was brutal to say the least.

"Oh, c'mon it wasn't that bad, we were only in there for," Rick glanced at his 'Speedmaster First Omega in Space' watch (a birthday gift from his mother. He tells anyone that'll listen that astronauts where that watch in space), "three hours? Holy shit, it's already 4:30?" Rick exclaimed, shocked at how he had completely lost track of time throughout the day.

"Yeah, fully aware of that. _In fact,_ I have been informing you of the time every hour since we got in there, you dork." Kyra smirked as they meandered towards the subway.

"Don't act like you were waiting on _me_ in there," he gestured his thumb back towards the bookshop. "And don't think I didn't see your nose pressed to the page of that Jazz Age book for a solid hour. Always such a hypocrite," Rick clicked his tongue in disapproval, secretly loving the fact that he has found someone who gets as lost in a bookstore as he does.

He hasn't had someone to do that with since Alexis was little. He used to make a little scavenger hunt for her to do while he did research or fell into the beginnings of dozens of books.

"Alright, alright I admit, I was completely absorbed for a solid two and a half hours, but the last thirty minutes are on you Mr. Mystery Writer."

"Fair enough. So what's your plan for the evening?" Rick asked, fishing to see if Kyra still was shaken up about the meeting that morning.

"Mhmm, don't know. I have some portfolios to look over for new artists wanting to show there stuff in the gallery. Then I'll probably eat, call my brother, and early to bed. Geez, I live the life huh?"

"The _life's_ not all that it's cracked up to be, trust me. Nights at home with Alexis and my mother are always better than nights galavanting around like a jackass with high society." Rick turned up his nose with a finger and issued a very pompous expression as he finished his sentence.

"Believe me I know how dull and annoying 'high society' can be. Need I remind you who my mother is?"

"Yikes, no reminder needed." Rick laughed.

"Speaking of mothers..."

"Yet again, another smooth segue," Rick cut in.

"Sagacious is my middle name, now how's Martha. I've missed her over the years. Still a crack up I'm sure."

"Sexy word, say it again," Rick joked earning a disapproving head shake from Kyra, but he could swear there was a little smile to it.

"Such a boy, but really, how's Martha?"

"Same old Mar..." Rick immediately sealed his lips and widened his eyes, before clearing his throat to correct his mistake. "She's the same vibrant, vivacious woman as she was." Kyra cracked up, knowing Rick would be in big trouble had Martha been around when he used 'old' as her descriptor.

"Nice save there, she would have washed your mouth out with soap had she heard you say that."

"Don't you dare rat on me Blaine, I have dirt on you too ya know?"

"And when in the world would I get the chance to tattle?" Kyra played along, but still knowing full well just how many secrets Rick had on her.

"Tonight," he replied confidently.

"Huh?" Kyra offered, caught off guard and a little worried about what it would mean to their tentative friendship to go over to his apartment.

"Have dinner at the loft tonight, catch up with Mother, meet Alexis. God I cannot believe you've never met her before. Its so surreal."

"You're serious?" she said with less question, more surprise in her tone.

"Of course I am. Don't make me beg Grá. Catch up, see my place, meet my daughter, early dinner and off you go. No harm done." Rick asked, nearly groveling for her company. It was as much for him as it is for her. Sure he wants to be there for her to take her mind off things with her divorce, but he also is completely entranced with the way they fell back into their past relationship, _minus the sex, _Rick adds. His writer's mind was enticed by the paradigm of their deep bond and knowledge of one another paired up against the unknown lives they have lived and people they have become in the past seventeen years apart.

_Also, as selfish as it sounds, Kyra is a wonderful distraction from Kate._

"I guess it'd be nice to see Martha again, and the way you've been talking about Alexis I feel like _I_ should be the one begging to meet her," Kyra pondered, still not quite giving in, but the look on Rick's face, so hopeful and excited at the prospect of her acquiescence, she knows her answer already. Plus, judging by the way his voice sent shivers through her when he called her 'Grá' again, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to spend more time with the man. Time to figure out what it all meant, this new friendship? Relationship? _  
_

In the past, they both had a habit of going with the flow of things, enjoying the moment, and getting lost in the experience. But then all of a sudden they were into thing fairly deep with no guidelines, definitions, or boundaries and that's when they ended up hurting each other. If the inkling of the idea of starting a relationship with Rick again held any real hope, she wanted to institute some sort of structure, though she knew they were both terrible at following rules.

"Alright, I'm in. Dinner at your place," Kyra begins with a smile and the jump of her shoulders. Rick looped her arm through his as they descended the stairs into the subway station. "And we should probably talk."

"Oh geez Kyra, those are the four _worst_ words known to the male species. Well that and 'Do I look fat?' No wonder you're getting a divorce." Rick said nonchalantly, not meaning it maliciously but judging by the way Kyra halted her movements, squinted her eyes and furrowed her brow in a hurt frown, with her lips fully pouted; he'd say he hit a nerve.

"Too soon?" Rick asked, hoping to sand over this with humor.

"Yeah. A bit." Kyra clipped, face still holding the wounded glare.

"Yeah, I just replayed it in my head and I really sound like an insensitive pig. I'm sorry, you know I didn't mean it to hold any seriousness."

"Yeah, you lug, I know," she offered, a small smile breaking her pouty, full lips.

"Forgive me?"

How could she not looking at that same tilted head, puppy dog eyed, baby blue sincerity that he always pulled out and melted her heart with in college. "Ugh, make me dinner and I'll consider it." But as she bumped into his side to steer him toward their train, they both knew his faux pas was forgiven and forgotten.

* * *

Kate spent her midmorning panicking and floundering in assumed heartbreak, but by noon the case she had been called in for picked up, got interesting, and she did what Beckett does best: Dive head first into her work. She knew how to do that, but diving into the deep end with Castle? She'd drown, _yep, sink like a stone_.

She let her work completely absorb her, initiating her blinders. She forced all thoughts of Castle and stupid, cheery Kyra out of her mind and instead held onto thoughts of motive, opportunity, weapons, suspects. Detecting and solving murders were Kate Beckett's element, the process was second nature to her, nearly instinctual. The simple pop and drop in the park turned into a scathing tale of brotherly betrayal and marital infidelity. A case Castle would have had wet dreams over, but his loss. _Apparently he had other avenues of research now,_ Kate thought bitterly.

She road the high of suspects, leads, and false alibis, and before she knew it; it was 5:30, the case was closed, and she was walking through her front door with take out in hand. However, before she could let her mind settle and fall into the current of hypothetical scenarios involving Castle and Kyra, Kate stashed her food in the fridge, changed into yoga pants and a hoodie, laced up her Nikes, and sprinted out onto the street. The sun had already set for the November day, but the street lights offered enough light to ease Beckett's inherent paranoia of the city around her.

When Castle ran it was an escape. It offered his ever imaginative mind a chance to delve into describing the sensations aching throughout his body instead of taking the moments of his life and casting a 'what if' spell on them, making his hardships so much worse. For Castle, running would quiet his mind.

But for Beckett, running cleared her head of any extraneous influences and allowed her to narrow all her intense focus onto the problem at hand (i.e. Little Ms. Bride and Writerboy). It forced her to confront her emotions and actions without distraction and denial. So that was exactly what Kate embarked on as she propelled down block after block.

She silenced to self-pity and assumptions. Just like a murder investigation, eliminate biases, assumptions, and follow the evidence and the facts. The fact of this situation was that Castle was mad at Kate, rightfully so. But she could fix that with a apology, easy..._hopefully. _

Fact: Somehow Castle has started spending time with Kyra.

Fact: Kyra is getting a divorce because of a cheating husband. Yes, a little nerve wracking- she is single now- but...

Fact: Castle told Kate he loved her.

Fact: That doesn't just disappear.

By the time she ran through this evidence and mentally established a timeline, trying to figure out how long Castle and Kyra have been seeing each other (Yes, she realized her investigative process was a little creepy when applying it to her love life), she was finishing out on a sprint down her block.

Kate hauled her heavy legs up the stairs as quickly as she could and finished on a heavy inhale at her door. She had a game plan in her mind, now she just needed to execute it. She unlocked her door with the key hidden in the pocket sewn into her spandex capris and headed straight for her phone to call Castle.

_No more stalling._

As the phone rang, she took in a heavy breath, holding it in her expanded lungs, trying to calm her uneven breath. _Probably should have waited a few minutes to catch my breath, hopefully he finds it sexy. Yeah, add in a little innuendo to get his mind in the gutter, butter him up before the apology._

But she never got that chance to send Castle's mind spinning into images of 'Sweaty Kate' because the phone rang until it went to voicemail and she couldn't say the apology she needed to say over voicemail. With sweaty fingers she hung up to try again. Went to voicemail.

With a growl and a hand running through her hair, Kate headed for the shower. When Kate Beckett made a decision she held to her guns and carried out her plan of action. Tonight was no different. She was dead set of apologizing to Castle that evening. If he came to work tomorrow, she knew he would let her off the hook, brush it off. But Kate knew better, knew him better. Under his 'devil may care' exterior was an incredibly caring guy who would carry that hurt around with him. She wanted to apologize and tell Castle that she didn't see him as that Playboy author anymore. He was so much more and he deserved to know.

With that thought fortifying her resolve, she quickly changed into jeans, a thick, beige knit sweater, her brown leather jacket, and her heeled boots. _Bit the bullet Beckett._

* * *

Dinner at the loft went '_fabulously,' _as Martha put it. Fabulous, that was her word for the evening:

"Oh Kyra, you look just _fabulous_!"

"Richard, this pasta is _fabulous_, no marvelous!"

"I can't tell you how _fabulous_ it is that you two found each other again."

That one raised Alexis's eyebrow and made for an awkward transition to how Alexis's college applications were going. Martha knew better than any of them that Richard and Kyra are _not_ together or even dating, she just liked to stir the pot. Her own little social in all honesty a part of her hoped that the two kids' old spark is still present.

Martha had been Rick's confidant, sharing how he felt about Kate with her and Martha had always hoped that the detective would give her charming son the chance. But lately, she had noticed Richard's utterly crestfallen expression when she walked into the room, before he got a chance to put up mask for her or his daughter. She adored Kate and truly believed she is good for Richard and visa versa, but as she fondly remembered, so was Kyra.

Both woman were lovely, beautiful, and good to and for her son in very different ways. When Richard was in college, he was full of life, excited, ambitious, and even more immature. Kyra calmed him, focused his million-mile an hour mind on what she was guiding him towards. She was endlessly patient with him without loosing her playfulness. Their chemistry was that of two high school sweethearts that had grown into the normalcy of constantly touching and sweetly flirting.

Kyra gave him confidence and direction at a time when Richard was being shot down by publishing houses and his work was being constantly berated, in that way she made him a better writer.

But, Martha couldn't help but counter those thoughts with thoughts about how Detective Beckett had taken the arrogant, lost, and misdirected man he was at the time of their meeting and held him to a higher standard. She called on him to be a better man, advised him on the inter-workings of a teenage girl to make him a more attentive father at the important times and a less attentive one at others. Their chemistry roared like a flame between their dueling minds, like Richard told his mother, "Kate is a mystery I'll never solve, but damn I'd be happy to spend forever trying." Of course he masked the vulnerability framing that statement with an immature comment.

Kate had flooded his mind with endless inspiration and coaxed him into maturity, into a man Martha was so proud to call her son.

Martha was certain that both women had shaped Richard into the man he was today. The only other opinion that had ever mattered more to him were that of his mother and daughter.

* * *

Rick mad tomato basil pasta, an arugula salad, and wild rice with mushrooms and broccoli. Kyra was impressed. When they were together Rick's diet consisted of pop tarts, Cambell's soup from a can, and Capri Sun with rum (a strange concoction he insisted was the best cocktail in the world... jury was still out for Kyra- he did a lot of alcohol and candy combinations back then that turned out pretty good).

Over dinner, the conversation revolved mostly over getting to know Alexis and Kyra filling in Martha on where life had taken her, though she quickly passed over her recent divorce. Kyra was completely taken with Alexis, but who wasn't?

She found the teenager's maturity and quick wit so surprising and refreshing. For the first part of the evening Kyra noticed Alexis was more reserved and straight laced, offering insight on her applications, her ambitions, and her internship at the morgue. But as the night wore on Rick cajoled Alexis into a relaxed, quick to laugh and tease, almost goofy mood which warmed Kyra's heart.

Kyra found herself observing their relationship like it was a work of art. She was so impressed by their friendship that cloaked the, obviously intense, father-daughter dynamic that held them together. She mused that they must be quite close since its been just the two of them for most of the young girl's life. Seeing Rick as a father only drew her to him more, intensified her attraction for him. An attraction she was trying to hold back because she didn't want things to spiral into unknown territory.

* * *

"Don't you dare tell that story Alexis, or I will ground your ass until prom," Rick sternly warned, though everyone at the table could tell it was an empty threat.

"Richard, everyone knows Alexis is the one that typically grounds you," Martha chimed in.

"Plus, you're way too much of a softie to carry out any of your punishments. He would sent me to time out for five minutes but end up sitting with me playing Ro-Sham-Bow because he would get lonely," Alexis revealed laughingly.

"Oh, Rick they're going to tell me all the secrets and black mail material I could ever need. You rethinking this whole dinner thing yet?" Kyra teased, pushing her empty plate further on the table to cross her elbows and forearms on the table.

Rick growled and scrubbed a hand through his hair, messing up is perfectly combed locks. Always the drama queen. "You girls just be careful," he started, pointing at Martha and Alexis, "I'm the only one who cooks around here, you'd starve without me."

"Has Dad told you about how he saved me from drowning and he taught me how taught me to ride a bike in just one day, or how about the time he helped me sell enough girl scout cookies to get the grand prize?" Alexis eagerly rattled off the list of Rick's fatherly accomplishments with a coy smile. Martha and Kyra busted up in laughter while Rick smugly nodded rolling his wrist to gesture for Alexis to continue.

"Good girl, daughter of mine. That earns you dinner for a week and two special Sunday brunches."

"Oh, thank God. I don't think I would have survived and don't worry Kyra, meet me after dinner and I'll tell you how Dad got locked in my economics classroom on Back to School Night."

Castle chucked a cranberry left over from his salad at Alexis, crossed his arms, and pouted at the head of the table. Kyra simply winked at Alexis.

"Well kiddos as much as I love that story; makes me proud of you son," Martha said, laying a condescending hand on Rick's shoulder, "I have grand plans for the evening and I am running perfectly, fashionably late." Martha sweeps a hand down her elegant but bold emerald green dress, accessorized with a pink belt at her waist and gemstone jewelry.

"And I am banishing myself to my room to finish my Charles Dickens essay. Stupid thing is due tomorrow and I couldn't land on a topic until this morning."

They all say their goodbyes and goodnights, Kyra sincere in her comments about how lovely dinner and the company was. Martha made her grand exit, Alexis bounded up the stairs; her iHome's music being heard from downstairs, and then there were two.

* * *

Kyra glanced at her watch, saw it was nearing seven. "I should probably head out as well."

"No, c'mon stay for a little bit longer. We didn't ever get to talk about what we 'needed to talk' about" Castle whined, adding air quotes to the infamous phrase.

Kyra leans back in her chair and rests a hand on her chin as if in debate with herself. With a sigh, they both know she had decided to stay. "So what Mr. Mom, are you going to offer me more wine or am I going to have to go ask Alexis about Back to School Night?"

"Wine, right. On it!" Rick replied with glee, hopping right up and bounding over to the counter for the bottle. "I can't believe there is any left, usually Mother knocks out a bottle all by herself. She must have been trying to behave for you."

Kyra laughs before adding, "Some where deep in her memory she's probably still has flashback to when we had to go pick her up at that party at that Harlem jazz club and I ended up holding her hair back in the bathroom."

Rick humorously shivers at the memory. "Please don't make me relive that. I have never been propositioned by such handsy old women."

"Oh, but your often propositioned by regular, unhandsy old women?" she laughed.

"In my line of work, you'd be surprised by how bold some of the fans get. I've had to gently let down old woman, several gay men, and countless twenty somethings."

"Countless, huh? It must be hard to be Richard Castle," she teased.

"I could be there _father_!" Rick exclaimed in genuine disgust at the thought of dating a girl in her twenties. Kyra scrunched up her nose in that adorable way Rick always to love.

"They'd be lucky."

"Huh?" Rick asked caught off balance by the seriousness in her tone of voice.

"They'd be lucky if you were their father. Alexis is lucky that you're her dad. You are _so_ amazing with her."

"She's easy. Parents her self mostly, but she lets me pretend I had something to do with how incredible she is."

"You had everything to do with it Rick. Trust me, I was a self-proclaimed Daddy's girl and I know a club member when I see one. Alexis adores you. Seriously, head over heals smitten with how great a man you are."

"Thanks Ky." Rick simply replied, but the wide smile gracing his lips and eyes expressed how happy he was to hear that she believed him to be a good father. It was a weak spot for him. He was constantly worried that he hadn't been enough for his daughter. He wanted so badly to give him what he never had, two parents. But he felt as though he had failed her.

"Means a lot coming from you Kyra."

"Why?" Again Castle was taken aback from Kyra reply.

"Why? huh, well... I guess because your _you_. I mean, you know me and that means what you say, it uh, it carries weight. You really mean it," Castle stuttered to come up with an answer. "Jesus, I am supposed to be better with words, literally built a career with it," Rick laughed at himself, feeling less embarrassed when he noticed Kyra's endearing smile.

"I'd just like to state that earlier today _you_ were making fun of _me_ for my lack of subtlety and smoothness." Kyra goaded, easing Rick back into the humor he was comfortable in.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm going to start over. Ready to be amazed by my suaveness? Wait that sounds wrong, suavability? _Oh_, I like that."

"Get on with it Rick," she laughed.

"Okay, I guess what I mean is that it means a lot to me that you say that because I know your not bull shitting me just to be nice. You know me, you've seen me fuck up and called me out on it so to know you're... I don't know? Proud? Of me, of the way I've raised my daughter reassures me that I didn't ruin her because I couldn't give her the mother she deserves."

Silence prevailed over the two as they sat across from each other at the dinning table, Rick's eyes fighting their uncertainty and embarrassment about what he just revealed and Kyra's holding a sense of awe at the man in front of her.

"I am proud of you Rick," she began staring straight into his mesmerizing gaze, silence reinstating itself. "And now I kinda get the whole millionaire wordsmith thing," she finally choked out with heavy emotion lacing her voice. Rick gives a half laugh and rubs his neck in discomfort at his wealth being brought up.

"Yeah I guess its what I have so I may as well use it where I can."

"Yet, you were afraid to have '_the talk_,'" she jokes.

"Oh, so this was all a ploy to get me to have '_the talk_,' why Kyra Blaine that showed quite a bit of suavability." Kyra broke into laughter and Rick held a proud smile.

"Alright, stop using your wit and humor to distract me from this menacing talk," Kyra said after their laughter subsided.

"_Fine_." Rick sighed dramatically in defeat.

"Alright, I don't want to dance around things because I'm exhausted from having that half assed communication woven into my marriage, _clearly_ it doesn't work, so I'm just going to jump right in and start..."

"It's kinda sexy when you cut the crap and get down to business," Castle cut in with wiggling brows and a coquettish smile.

"_That_." Kyra pointed right at him, "_That_ _right there_ is what we need to talk about. Whatever the hell this is needs some sort of explanation otherwise one of us will end up getting hurt like last time. "

"I'm pretty sure we both got hurt last time."

"Point taken. But I don't even think _this_," she said, gesturing a hand back and forth between them, "is even a 'time.' Meaning I don't think we should even think of taking this anywhere past a friendship."

"Even if..."Rick started but was quickly interrupted before he could even go there.

"Rick, 'what if' situations ruin things, first of all. And second of all, neither of us are in a place where we are ready to start anything that would last and I wouldn't want things to ever end badly with us, because last time it really did suck to loose my best friend."

They both looked at one another thoughtfully. Rick realizing that a part of himself was disappointed at closing the possibility of a relationship with Kyra. However, he fully realized she was completely right, as perusal. He was completely and seemingly irreversibly in love with Kate Beckett and Kyra was still in the process of going through a messy divorce. If they started anything now things would crash and burn and blaze miserably.

"I think your right. And I know how much you _love_ hearing that," Rick added, noticing the smug smile that irrupted across Kyra's lips. "So what? We just keep it...friendly? Try not to over think it all?"

"Yes, exactly. I don't want the pressure of 'will he, wont he.' Honestly, I can't handle that right now. My life is a mess Rick. Like some days I just eat ice cream and watch John Hughes movies or Grease kind of mess and you're someone that knows me, really knows me and knows what I need. So it might be kinda selfish of me, but... I need a friend," she finished shyly.

"Trust me I know how exhausting the 'will she, wont she,' 'she loves me, she loves me not' routine is and I would never want to drag you through that. So I am good with being there for you. However you need. I can be a friend, a damn good friend, in fact," he offered, smiling at her smile. "Perhaps eventually the _best_ friend," Rick finished with childish excitement.

"Don't get ahead of yourself hot shot, I still have Angie..." Kyra started.

"You're shitting me? You are still friends with her?!" Rick gasped in disbelief.

"Best friends, so watch what you say about h-"

Before Kyra could finish her threat a knock sounded throughout the loft. Rick hopped up to grab the door and Kyra followed suit. "While you get that, I'm going to go to the bathroom and then I really do need to get going."

"Fair enough, I've held you hostage for long enough. Bathrooms down there," Rick offered, pointing as he heads for the front door. Kyra shuffles her way down the darkened hallway.

* * *

Kate nodded to Martin, Castle's weekend doorman, and the fact that she knows that Martin works the weekend and Peter works weekdays is a testament to how close she and Castle had grown over the years.

She paced the width of the elevator as it ascended to Castle's decadent apartment. She silently attempted to figure out what she would say to him when she got to his door. She was nervous, she hated to be nervous like this. _It was just Castle_, why was she freaking out? They are together more hours in the day then not and that time only continued to expand.

_But he has never been mad at me. I've never had to apologize to him for anything._ Either Castle let it go or he was the one screwing up.

Kate never let anyone in close enough to have their words hurt or affect her all that deeply. But somehow, she had let Castle in, and she realized that the same stood for him. Castle had allowed Beckett in and her actions and her words affected him, held the ability to hurt him. What was that Spiderman quote Castle always quoted to her? Something about great power has great responsibility.

_Ugh, I was always a X-Men, Electra, Batman type of comic book geek._

Kate stood in the hall, a ways down from his front door, taking a deep breathe. She was giving herself just a second to breath, push down the irrational anxiety that was boiling causing her to feel like she had lost him, although she didn't even know what that would mean.

With that thought haunting her, she turned and glided towards his front door.

_If I can just apologize, things will be fine. _

Beckett lifted her fist and rapt on his metal door three times before steeling her resolve to apologize and let him know she wanted him to wait, she wanted him.

* * *

Castle swung open the door, a smile plastered across his face while still starring down the hall towards Kyra's disappearing body. He turned his head back to the doorway, "Beckett?"

"Castle, hey."

"Hi. What are.. What are you doing here? We have a body?" Castle asked clearly a little flustered at her showing up at his apartment unannounced looking freshly showered and utterly beautiful, but very confused as to why.

"I really needed to talk to you." Kate blurted out, apparently her usual reserved hesitance flying out the window and being replaced with urgency. For a reason, unknown to Kate, Rick chuckled at her explanation.

_Worst sentence known to the male gender, and I've gotten it twice in twelve hours._

A minute, literally a minute of silence, took hold over the pair at the door and to both, it was excruciating. Rick's excitement at the shock of seeing Beckett at his door passed and his latent hurt and slight anger he still held toward Kate veiled his thoughts, yet taking a closer look at Kate's unobtrusive posture, genuine look in her eye, and solemn tilt to her lips, the anger melted and he was left with just the hurt.

"Rick, don't rag on Angie, she may be crazy but she is as loyal as they..."Kyra started as she walked back down the hall, seeing Rick at the door, but the visitor was out of sight.

"Oh. Kate. Hi." Kyra finished with a reflexive smile as she saw the detective looking utterly taken aback.

"Kyra. Hi."

* * *

**A/N 2.0: Review that's all I ask. :) **


	8. Ch 8: Because It's Easier Than the Hurt

**_Disclaimer: Do not own these characters._**

**_A/N: Pick a team: Kate or Kyra._**

**_Be gentle on reviews, but please give some feedback._**

**_Love you all who are still reading._**

* * *

_Previously..._

_"Oh. Kate. Hi." Kyra finished with a reflexive smile as she saw the detective looking utterly taken aback._

_"Kyra. Hi."_

* * *

**Chapter 8: Because It's Easier Than the Hurt**

Kate stood at the threshold of Castle's loft completely out of her element. Of course the one time she 'jumped in the deep end,' the one time she had enough courage (or in this case, Kate thought it was enough idiocy, stupidity, and imprudence) to confront Castle and talk things through, she got slapped in the face, pushed off the diving board, or whatever stupid metaphor fit the immensely uncomfortable situation she found herself in.

Beckett wants to kill Lanie, extract her stupid voice box that gives stupid, ludicrous advice.

_Talk to him? Is she crazy? Last time I tried to talk to him he ended up walking away for a summer in the Hamptons with his ex wife._

* * *

It was relentlessly awkward as the three stood there caught somewhere between clawing each other's eyes out and pleasantries. The only thing that was running through Rick's stunned mind was: _This is so awkward._ _Why is this so freakin' awkward? It shouldn't be this awkward._

Rick tried desperately to tap into his usual charm and cordiality to move past this as he realized that it shouldn't feel so strange. Neither of these woman want him, _wow that's a depressing thought, _both of them were just his friends, and they would probably get along really well given the chance.

Another part of Rick's mind supplied the answer to that incessant question. He felt caught, completely kid in the cookie jar, by Beckett's unannounced presence. To the right of him was the woman he used to be in love with, his first true love, the one that got away and in front of him was to woman he was currently, irrevocably in love with, his always (as desperately as he wanted to dissolve those unreciprocated feelings).

"Come on in Beckett," he finally croaked, is voice rough from the long, extremely socially awkward silence that had captured the trio. He gestured Kate in, instinctively placing a hand on the small of her back to guide her in as he shut the door. He could have sworn a slight shiver raced up her spine, but quickly tapered off those thoughts off offering his vivid imagination and unrequited hope as explanation.

* * *

His broad hand slipped from her hip down low on the small of her back under her leather jacket, his palm lifted so only his fingers tripped against the thick knit of her sweater until the thick of his thumb and palm settled warmly and firmly against her. It lasted a split second, just long enough for him to guide her through the door, but she was so attuned to his touch that every moment of it set her nerves ablaze like a live wire. She bit her tongue and prayed to God neither he nor Kyra saw the quiver that raced up her spine. Just a simple, harmless touch did that much damage..._I am so screwed._

"I didn't mean to interrupt your date, I'll just see you at the precinct Castle," Kate offered, shifting to turn right back out that door but a hand on her bicep halted her.

"Oh no, please stay. I was actually just leaving," Kyra replied and released Kate's arm to stride to the chair in the living room.

_Neither of them denied that it was a date..._

As Kyra grabbed her Burberry jacket and her, most likely, cashmere cream-colored scarf, Kate risked a glance at Castle only to wish like hell she never made that decision. She saw him staring intensely at Kyra, watching her every movement. _Observing_. Kate's heart sank that moment, but the hurt was quickly over taken with fierce resentment and anger.

He was _supposed_ to be_ in love_ with her, not Kyra. Kate was his muse; he was supposed to be looking at Kyra like that, observing her. That was a look for Kate, not Kyra. How could Castle even trust Kyra now, as far as Kate knew Kyra was the one who ended things all those years ago, left him heartbroken. Kyra was probably after his money now that he wasn't the struggling writer of his younger years.

Kate's detectives mind took the suspicion of Kyra's malicious motives and ran away with them, quickly theorizing that Kyra was trying to latch onto Castle like a parasite and its host, leeching anything she could get from him, money and attention. Kate's possessive and protective streak flared hot inside of her, and suddenly it was everything she could do not to kick the back of Kyra's knee to knock her off balance, grab her arm and twist it tightly behind her back for hypothetically taking advantage of Castle.

"Rick, walk me to the elevator?" Kyra sweetly asked and Kate had to bite the inside of her cheek painfully to control herself. "Sorry to duck out right when you get here Detective Beckett, I have a ton of work to do before the week started, but maybe we could catch up another time?" she said once she returned to her and Castle still in the foyer.

"Yeah. Maybe." Was all Kate could say through gritted teeth. Kate had to get a hold of herself before she was alone with Castle. She was about to blow and what right did she have to be angry at him for spending time with another woman?

* * *

"Umm, I guess I'll be right back Beckett. Make yourself at home, you know where the wine is if you want some," Castle said, clearly extremely uncomfortable with the whole situation. Kyra had to stifle a laugh because she had only seen Rick socially awkward maybe three times. But his look is unmistakable: wide eyes, stiff shoulders, tight-lipped mouth, and shifty limbs.

_Richard Castle, millionaire best selling novelist, charmer of countless twenty somethings, the man, the legend and all it takes to make him squirm was two women?_

Kyra crossed in between Rick and Kate to open the door, stepping back into Rick's space to swing it open and she noticed the slight tightening of Kate's eyes as she scrutinized their every action. Kyra could see the clear covetous jealousy painted across Kate's very being, what she couldn't see or understand is why Kate had made no move to formally claim what she so obviously wanted to be hers: Rick.

Just to piss Kate off a little bit, Kyra placed her hand above Rick's elbow, slid it down to grab his hand and tug him out the door with her.

"I just need to borrow him for a minute, then_ he's all yours_." Kyra supplied with a little lift to her voice as they exited the apartment. Ricked sidled up next to her as the door closed, but before Kate was out of view, Kyra turned back to Kate with a squinted, oh-so-clever smirk and said, "Hmm something about that felt a bit like déjà vu, don't you think?"

With that little taunt, Kyra grabbed the doorknob and pulled it shut on Kate's surprised and disdainful glare. Kyra could hardly keep from laughing as she and Rick walked down the hall to the elevator.

"Well that was sufficiently awkward." Kyra supplied bluntly with a little laughter framing her comment.

"Yeah that was brutal, but I don't really know why it should have been. I mean it's not like I'm with you and even if I was Beckett doesn't care who I date. Well, as long as it's not her."

"What did I say about self-pity?" Kyra joked, issuing a stern glare as warning.

"Right, right today's your pity party." Rick quipped back. "You really don't have to leave. I think Beckett just needs to talk about the case or something. You could stay?"

Kyra knew he was just offering to make sure she didn't go home and wallow in her own misery over her divorce. It was sweet, but she also knew that he was dying to be in the presence of Kate Beckett, even when he is mad at her, even when its self-imposed torture in a way.

That's how Rick Castle fell in love, craved their presence in any way. Kyra knew this because they used to get into fights, and he could never stay away for long. He had a lonely heart and it craved company, a companion._ His deep seeded, undiagnosed abandonment issues and all that,_ Kyra mused.

"Thanks, but A. I really do have some work to knock out and B. You need to talk to her. My being there will make everything worse."

"You never make anything worse Ky," Rick kindly remarked as the elevator doors opened. Kyra gave Rick a quick, thoughtless kiss on the cheek and hopped into the elevator car.

"Thanks, call me later in the week if you're free," she said as they easily smiled at each other with the doors closing. And with that Rick had to go face Beckett.

He had no idea what she was doing here at his place but he could only assume it related to a case, so he sucked in a deep breath and turned back around for his front door. In all the confusion that had encompassed these last few days, he was grateful that he now knew where he stood with both of these women, Kate and Kyra.

He stood on the outside. But at least he knew that, could alter his hopes and expectations to align with that knowledge.

* * *

Kate pace, and paced, and paced. While Rick walked Kyra,_ probably to have a quick make out session,_ to the elevator Kate marched the perimeter of the main floor of the loft. She was seething and steaming in jealousy; although, yet again, she wasn't self-aware enough to recognize it. All she knew was that she was hurt and as each second passed that Castle was alone with Kyra outside the door, the hurt calloused into anger.

_I've been with- worked with- him longer than she ever dated him and she has the nerve to claim him right in front of me?!_

_Here Rick just take my delicate, artist's hand and walk me to the elevator? What self-respecting woman asks a man to walk her down the hall?!_

_'He's all yours,' God the nerve of that woman. She just had to rub it in like that. Déjà vu? She can take that déjà vu and shove it straight up her fat ass._

* * *

"So what's up Beckett?"

Kate startled and her knees locked causing her to stumble to a stop and grab onto the open-faced bookshelves. She was so deep in her internal rant she had missed Castle walk back into the loft, close the door, and call for her a few times. She turned around and gave him a stare as resentful thoughts dragged her mind away. Yeah, she was getting pissed off. _But it's better than the hurt, it was controllable_, she thought

"So...You solve that case?" Castle asked, unable to handle the silence. He had never been good with silence. That kind of quiet gave him anxiety, made him lonely; so even though he was still mad at Beckett, small talk was better than the muteness.

Kate shook her head and blinked a bit to snap back into focus, though she was having a hard time remembering _what_ her focus was after getting there, to Castle's apartment, to find him alone with another woman. A woman he was in love with at one point. _Could be again?_ Beckett silently worried.

"Yeah, we closed the case. It actually got interesting, infidelity, brotherly feud, your kind of stuff." Kate answered sternly, rubbing it in, dangling the case in front of him, as her irrational anger toward Castle amplified.

"And you didn't call me because...?" Castle asked, annoyed with Beckett.

"Well you clearly had other priorities, so I figured I'd save you the trouble," she bitterly replied and crossed her arms tightly across her chest. Castle made his way towards the lounge, standing opposite her, across the coffee table. "Plus, it's not like solving cases is dependent on you Castle." she added in cavalierly.

The tension that seized Rick's shoulders was evident to Kate as soon as she finished her sentence. She noticed his distinct jaw line tighten as he tried to reign in his reaction, but the strange thing was that for once, Kate didn't want to package things up neatly with careful answers that revealed nothing. She was angry with him now and she wanted fight with him, scream at him, hit him, have him.

Her frustration chomped at the bit, blinding her to the reason as to why she was having this visceral reaction. She only felt the rushing waves of anger rather than hurt. The hurt made her vulnerable but the anger hardened her to Castle. So instead of sweeping things under the rug, she went on taunting him and his calm facade.

"I would like to think over the past three and a half years I have offered a bit of unique insight," Castle answered through a clenched jaw, his eyes boring into Kate's; the eyes that usually held nothing but adoration and admiration were instead flashing a warning.

She didn't listen.

"Yep, you have very unique insight Castle. Let's see, your specialties must include CIA agents, alien abductions, and evil twins. Big help there. We're better if you're off with your little girlfriend there." Kate callously said with deep sarcasm and disrespect painting her words as she waves towards the door, referencing Kyra.

As Kate ranted with such a scornful tone, Rick began to pace back and forth, ending up by the near his bar table in the corner of the living room. With each word falling out of Beckett's mouth, Castle's fists clenched tighter, knuckles blanching, his mouth set in a tight, frustrated line, and his eyes seeped aggravation.

_What in the hell gives her the right to be mad at me? _Castle thought.

He was at a complete loss for an explanation, couldn't for the world of him figure out what the hell he did wrong to make Beckett so peeved off, but it made his anger augment, which hurt all the more because he loved her.

"You are _ridiculous_," he started shaking his head in disbelief as Beckett stood, intense and in fury across the room. She was relentlessly stubborn to the point of sabotage. "My little girlfriend? _Kyra_? What does she have to do with this?"

All Kate could focus on was the _fact_ that he didn't deny that she was his girlfriend and something in her snapped. "She has nothing to do with it, date who you want. I just think it's a little _desperate_ to hop into your bed the second she ditches her marriage."

_Where the fuck did that come from? What are you doing you idiot! Don't make it worse._ Kate raged at herself.

"You _don't_ know what you're talking about Beckett. But you _do_ sound pretty jealous Kate." Castle strains his fuming gaze as a challenge, yet still controlling his reaction towards her nettling.

"Now who's being ridiculous? How many times are we going to go over this? I'm not jealous of any of your girlfriends Castle, I feel bad for them," She shot back coldly.

_And that would be the reaction formation; Lanie was talking about… Now I get it. Perfect timing._

"I get enough of you tagging along at the precinct," Kate muttered unthinkingly.

"It's been over _three years_ and still I don't get _any_ credit? H_uh_? What the hell do I have to do to prove myself to you, when is it enough, Beckett? It's not even worth my effort, is it?" Castle goaded, his voice rising in volume as his frustration and desperation grew.

Both, she and Castle were suspicions of the second meaning to Castle's words but neither dared own up to it.

_When am I enough?_

The raw anger in Castle's voice stopped Beckett cold in her tracks. He had never displayed this kind of outward anger aimed at her and it knocked her off her game. It also kind of turned her on, but she was denying that, wasn't she?

_Yes, denial. Where I live and thrive. His taut, strained muscles so are not getting me hot. God, I hate him right now._ Kate thought as her mind tripped through Castle's speech, grasping for anything that could fuel her anger. There was nothing...

The storm of their assault passed and they were left standing, deflated, avoiding each other's gaze as a loud, long silence enveloped the room. Kate could not even begin to face the uncontrollable thoughts rushing like a current and drowning her. She hadn't wanted to come here and provoke him, fight with him. That was the complete opposite of what she wanted to do in fact. She only wanted him back; back to the way things were before she made that dumb comment and before Kyra showed up. She wanted her partner and best friend back.

"Castle...I..."

But to attain all of that, to get back what she was loosing she needed _words_, but words were _his_ thing and she had none in that moment. Her heart pleaded with her stubborn mind to just spit anything out, just let him know it will be worth it, eventually she wants to be worth it all, to have it all. If she could only let him know with words. _His_ thing.


	9. Chapter 9: Recurring Themes

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters**

**A/N: So in response to my question about allegiances, Kate has a strong lead. But will she keep it? **

**Hope you like this chapter, again be gentle with reviews. I only had a few minutes to revise and edit so ignore the mistakes and enjoy the story!**

**Shout out to Eslssl for my favorite review of last chapter. **

**Chapter 9: Recurring Themes**

"Castle...I..." Kate stammered, grasping for any words as thoughts stampeded her mind causing trafficked words to clog her voice. _Damn it, just say something Kate, anything? S_he mentally begged herself.

Castle's frustration seeped from his very being; he ran tense fingers through his hair, his jaw flexed in failed restraint, and his eye narrowed in hostility. He poured himself a double of whisky with a shaking hand into a tumbler and tossed it back.

"I-" she began.

"Just save it Kate, what ever it is you want to say to belittle me just keep it to yourself, I already know what I'm worth to you," Castle interrupted, unable to decide if he actually wanted to hear what she had to say. He feared her reply, knowing the possibility that his feelings for her were unreturned. He quickly poured himself one more glass, as the words of his friend, Patterson, whispered in his mind: _"Because what's worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?"_

Kate stood rooted in her place by the book shelf, back pressed flush with the open shelves, arms crossed. Externally her resolve appeared uncompromised but internally she was drowning in her turmoil. Kate wanted to just scream that she loved him, tell the idiot that she just wants him to wait. But the her fears strangled her. She naïvely believed that if she could just get back to their status quo, then things would be alright. But as she postponed the once inevitable change of having something more with Castle, other changes were coming about. Her resistance forced their status quo to move toward other options, which apparently involved Kyra Blaine.

Rick dangled his drink with his fingers around the rim, pressing it firmly into his thigh. His posture was that of a soldier ready for battle as he gave Beckett on last chance to say something, anything, give him one reason to stay there. Fuck, he just wanted her to tell him what she wanted. _What the hell do you want from me Kate, because if I knew, I'd give it to you._

At her continued silence, he lifted his glass to his pouted lips, numbly took the liquid into his mouth and system. "Do what you want Beckett, I gotta get out of here." With that he calmly set his glass on the side table and walked straight out the front door, closing it with a slam.

* * *

Kate stood in Castle's empty apartment, completely and utterly stunned. Castle was never one to let his emotions rule his actions in such volatile ways. Sure she couldn't blame him, but part of the bravado during her pointless rage was fueled by the ingrained belief that he would never leave her.

Without even realizing it, Castle had become her constant, a home in himself. Kate had no idea when that had come about, but it was just a natural belief and truth in her subconscious that he would always be there for her.

_But how was that fair to him, when the same can't be said for him? _

That was what she needed though. A true North. And now, with the bang of the door echoing in her body, she realized she had taken his presence and loyalty for granted.

She ran her hand across the book shelf to her left without paying attention, but when her hand hit a leather-bound book laying flat, out of its place, Kate glanced over. She slid her fingers from the spine over to the string that secured it and picked its tie. Knowing it was a journal and needing to have the comfort of Castle's words wrap around her like they had for years, she opened it to the title page.

A Rose for Everafter. It was his hand written manuscript of his book dedicated to Kyra. Kate's breath caught in her throat as she thought of Rick pulling this out to reminisce. But it wasn't until she flipped through it to land on a page marked by an old photo of a young, admittedly gorgeous Richard Castle and an equally beautiful Kyra Blaine in all there 'One-that-got-away' Glory.

Kate's heart clenched with the jealousy of what Kyra once had. She had Rick, had it all and somehow gave him up. But now Kyra was back and could be taking it all again, all of him. Beckett numbly made her way to the couch, slowly sinking to the soft leather, unable to leave for fear that if she walked out of the loft, then that was it. It was really over. No more research, no more shadowing, no more jokes, or theories, or coffee.

_Well, what the hell do I do now?_ She questioned and leaned her head back on the couch to close her eye, in attempt to gain composure. She wanted to cry or punch someone, namely Kyra. She wanted to blame this all on her and her hypothetical conniving scheme Yet, Kate knew she herself had really screwed the pooch on this one.

_How the hell had apologizing to him turned into this shit show? ...shit...FUCK!_

Taking several deep breaths, she calmed her beating heart and racing mind, knowing she still had to do what she had come there for: apologize to Castle. Now she just had a shit ton more to say sorry for. She felt like a fool and worse she knew she had further hurt him. Deeply hurt him with her act of cavalier annoyance by his presence in her life.

Renewing her vow and resolve to apologize to Castle that night, she slapped her hands on her thighs and stood up, finally taking Rick up on his offer for a glass of wine. She walked with slumped shoulders to the kitchen and with unsteady hands grabbed a glass and bottle. And so the waiting began.

_Now I just have to figure out what the hell to say to him._

As much as she wanted to either tell him how she felt or just grab his beautiful face and plant one on him, that fear still held her on a leash. More than anything she didn't want their relationship to bloom from such animosity, that was exactly why she had waited, hiding her knowledge of his loving confession. She wanted them to have a real chance, a fresh one. Untainted by her baggage and unobstructed by her walled-in fortress of a heart.

* * *

Rick was by no means drunk and that was something he wanted to remedy. He wanted his rationale thrown out the window because his sober mind and heart produced countless excuses and justifications for Kate. Not good. Tonight, after what was said, he wanted to be angry and pissed. Like a true writer he wanted to swim in those emotions, purging them in a cathartic, drunken haze.

With that in mind, he trudged to the corner liquor store two blocks away, grabbed a cheap bottle of tequila, slapped a fifty on the counter and walked out of the store.

He meandered the streets without conscious method or direction, immersed in thought and contemplation. In all honesty, he had no idea what to do or where to go from here. His anger called upon him to just leave, cut his losses, take his pride, and be done with whatever he hoped was developing between him and Kate, maybe pursue Kyra again.

_Another lost cause you idiot. One broken heart to the next._

However, as infuriated as he was by Kate, Castle was tethered by the anchor of his love for her, it was like a mirage in the desert; even though he knew it wasn't real or attainable he continued to drag through the sand in the minuscule hope that this time it wouldn't disappear into the heat, but in the end it was all a waste of energy. _Fucking love..._

Slowly Castle sunk into a dark, defeated, cynical mood. A mood that made him want to write poetry with complex metaphors in attempt to make sense of the knots strangling him. He hated poetry, well at least his poetry.

Realizing he had walked for at least an hour, he took in his surroundings. The street was depressed, several stores shut down with newspapers covering the windows. But the names and signed felt familiar to Rick. Suddenly he realized exactly where he was and with assured steps he crossed the street and continued up the block. Without explanation he felt the suffocating need to reach his desired destination so he hastily ducked into an all too familiar ally way headed straight for the side door of the brick theater building. The candlestick prop from backstage still held the heavy metal door open and he slipped inside, then sprinted up the wold rickety steps, anxious to reach the his oasis. Several floors later, Castle lunged out onto the old rooftop, his and Kyra's rooftop.

He had come up there a handful of times over the years, in fact he wrote almost all of A Rose for Everafter up here. Half of it written before Kyra left and the second half written in lonely solitude, writing feverishly as the sun stained his skin. He had come up there to freak out about being a father when Meredith had told him that she was pregnant after only four months of dating. He had come up there when a five-year old Alexis asked him to braid her hair and his parental incompetence and insecurities came crashing down on him. He went up there a lot last summer when Beckett ditched him, wrote the end of Heat Rises in the broken lawn chair, sitting in the shaded corner of the roof, learning from his summer of writing A Rose for Everafter.

He stood leaning his elbows on the retaining wall, hunching his shoulders against the wind since he idiotically forgot his coat, left with only a black sweater and undershirt as insulation. His racing mind incrementally slowed after another hour of ranting to himself, talking himself out of calling Kyra, and feeling like a bigger idiot at the minutes passed.

Castle didn't really know why he continued to return to his and Kyra's old roof. He figured it to be an escape for his reality, much like writing was, only up there on the roof he could remember the simple happy memories of that summer with Kyra as well as release the fury of literary inspiration. It was his own little fortress of solitude, a place where he could just pause life and think.

He sank down into the bent lawn chair, opened his bottle of tequila, and took a small sip. He stared vacantly out at the red-lit letters of the theater sign. His mind wandered freely, calming down his heart. He took another swig from the bottle before tearing it away quickly, realizing he shouldn't get rip-roaring drunk on a night where he would have to go home and face Alexis. _Shit, Alexis_. He had completely forgotten that she was still at the loft and most likely heard the fight with Beckett._ Damn it... Better head home and face the inevitable lecture from my kid._

* * *

The lights in the main floor of the loft shone brightly against the dark evening pressing in against the windows. Kate sat slumped in the bar stool at Castle's island counter, her wine barely touched. She stared down into the glass watching it swirl and sway. Anxiety that churned her insides as she unsuccessfully tried to figure out what to say to Castle when he finally came through the front door.

Kate was always the type to plan and execute. She hated going into any situation unprepared. It was one quality that made her such a good detective, her fixation on the plan, the timeline, how things escalated from point A to point B. But that type A personality trait was royally failing her at the moment. Each time she set out to prepare a speech or explanation to say to Castle, her mind slipped into other tracks of thought; wholly unhelpful tracks, like how Casual Castle looked so sexy in that simple black v-neck sweater or how she wanted to bitch out Kyra for messing everything up, which of course lead her to that introspection she so deeply hated since it painted her mistakes like a mural on her conscience. Beckett's throat tightened and moisture gathered along her lashes at the feeling of helplessness, guilt, jealous fueled anger, and frustration.

Meanwhile, as Kate sat, anxiously awaiting Castle's return, Alexis had been upstairs for the better part of two hours, completely engrossed in her essay. She had finally finished and edited the paper, deciding to descended the stairs, hoping her father was still up to look over her work for her. Might as well use the in-house novelist to her advantage.

Alexis pranced down the stairs, reading through her introductory paragraph and pulling her headphones out of her hears.

"Oh Daddy Dearest!" Alexis called from the landing, "I need your expository and literary prowess and yes, I am buttering you up." She headed straight to his office guessing he would be clacking away at his laptop keys composing a symphony as if it were a piano. But, as she crossed the lounge she noticed a body sitting stock-still in the kitchen.

When Kate heard Alexis voice a flash of panic shot through her like an arrow. How the hell do I explain this? _Um, Alexis your father stormed out of here because I insinuated he was worthless to me and for the past hour and a half I have pictured multiple ways to legally but effectively physically enable Kyra Blaine..Yeah good plan._

"Kyra?" came Alexis questioning voice as she approached the woman sitting with her back to her. _Oh that stung more than it should_, Kate thought.

"Oh, Detective Beckett! Sorry didn't recognize you from behind. What are you doing here?" Alexis asked, forgetting her filter, as she awkwardly made her way to Kate in the kitchen. "I mean... It's, uh, it's nice to see you, but... yeah, what are you doing here?" Alexis fumbled, lacking her usual composure and grace, and for once Kate could see this was _clearly_ Richard Castle's daughter.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I'm, well, I'm just waiting for your dad to get back." She lamely offered, hoping against hope that Alexis wouldn't question her as to why and how she was here while her father was out.

"Oh," Alexis asks, and quirked her face into a look of surprised confusion. At Beckett's continued silence (seemed to be a theme for her lately), Alexis took the hint that it wasn't her place to interrogate.

"Alright, damn, I was hoping to get him to read over my essay." Alexis muttered mostly to herself, gesturing to the thick pile of printer paper in her hands. Kate smiled in surprise since she had never heard the sweet, innocent Alexis swear. Again, more of Rick Castle in her genes than it seemed.

"Yeah, sorry again. I seemed to have chased him away." Kate replied, revealing so much more than usual to the teen. Alexis's typical view of the detective was that Beckett was determined, ambitious,and had no time for distractions. _In__cluding her father's distracting devotion, _Alexis thought bitterly. Castle's daughter was far more in tuned with the situation than most gave her credit for. She saw how her father looked at Kate, heard countless anecdotes of 'Oh Kate did this' or 'Kate said the funniest thing' or 'Kate thought it'd be good if...', and most importantly saw how her father tried tirelessly to become a better man because of Kate over the past years.

Yeah her father was completely smitten. What Alexis also saw was Beckett's continued rejection of her father's affection and indifference towards him. But looking at the detective now Alexis saw so much more than she expected. Alexis observed, true to the Castle name, and noticed Beckett's distraught, red-rimmed eyes, sad quivering lips, and that was more emotion displayed on her face than Alexis had ever saw.

Suddenly the panic that constantly lay at bay rose frantically in Alexis, "Where's Dad? He's okay, right?"

At Alexis' obvious fear, Kate sat up straight and shot a hand out to Alexis's arm in comfort. "Oh God, sorry. No, Alexis he is fine. We just... we got in a fight." Kate reluctantly explained.

Alexis let out a sigh of relief and sank down into the bar stool beside Kate, ever since he started shadowing Detective Beckett that fear hid in the back of her mind ready to attack. "Geez, you kind of scared me," Alexis commented. She looked at the older woman again, putting two and two together (teary eyes and a supposed fight).

"Are..are you okay?" Alexis asked.

Kate offered a self-deprecating smile as she nodded and whipped at the few tears that escaped.

"Mhmm," Kate hummed, knowing she wasn't fooling either of them but didn't feel comfortable having a therapy session about the man she loved but continued to hurt with the daughter of said man. _Yeah Freud would have a field day with this shit._

Although Alexis desperately wanted to say some snide remark to the detective, a you deserve it and he deserves better type of thing and defend her father's honor, Alexis's typical maturity won out in the end. Instead of giving into the temptation to rub Beckett's nose in whatever she was crying about Alexis swung an arm around the detectives curled shoulders.

Kate shuddered a bit at the comforting contact and kept her eyes focused solely on her fingers tracing the patterns in the granite countertop. She had never re-acclimated to physical comfort after her mother died. Hugs from her father were really all she wanted in the years following the murder but every time his protective arms embraced her she could smell the thick sent of alcohol seeping from his pores. But receiving this simple half hug from Alexis surprised her in how much it helped for no reason at all other than letting her know she wasn't completely alone like she so often felt.

"Dad doesn't hold grudges, whatever you guys fought about he'll forgive. That's how he is, it hurts _him_ too much to stay mad at the people he loves. So he just moves on from it. Trust me, I'd know. I've seen it all with him." Alexis offered, hoping her words would calm the detectives worry. Alexis doesn't remember much of her father and mother's divorce, but knows the details of it now and knows for a fact that if her father could forgive Meredith's infidelity and have an amicable relationship with her now, at least on the surface, then whatever happened between Kate and him would blow over. Forgive and forget was what he always taught her.

Kate absorbed Alexis words and the guilt weighed even heavier, hearing what a good man Castle was. Not that she didn't already know, but she spent so much time trying to hide that admiration. "He is pretty gracious isn't he?" Beckett mused so quietly that Alexis could barely make out her statement.

"Yeah, so just...don't worry, a 'sorry' is really all he ever wants when I mess up. He doesn't even make me feel guilty for it afterwards, though eventually he adds my faux pas to his teasing arsenal," Alexis joked, nudging Kate's shoulder before sliding her arm off her shoulders and her bum from the chair.

A 'sorry.' Simple as that, yet somehow Kate had complicated even that. "He is good at that teasing stuff. Can't escape it, huh?" Beckett quipped, turning around in her seat to face the girl.

"Nah, no insider tips here, but honestly why would you want to?" Alexis posed, smiling a closed lip smile that revealed just how much of a Daddy's girl she was, and she couldn't be happier about that.

"You wouldn't," Kate stated resolutely, finally offering a genuine smile while she marveled about the wonderful kind of father Rick was. It was definitely the one of the most attractive traits about the writer.

"Good, got a smile! I guess that fills the Castle-Beckett agreement." Alexis grinned, shrugging her shoulders and gathering up her paper that had been toyed with as a distraction sometime throughout their talk. Kate realized the truth of what Alexis had just said. Castle's main goal over the past three and a half years had been to make her smile. He did it everyday, just made Kate smile, laugh more, enjoy life a little. Seemed mundane enough, but to Kate— who had carried the heavy burden of unattained justice for years, who let her 'normal' become filled with murder, solitude, and a gravity that shaded her like a cloud— for her it was everything.

"Thanks Alexis, I needed that." Kate sincerely said, because she really did. Kate needed those clear, concise words said to bolster her courage for pending apology. "Need me to look over that for ya?" Kate offered, pointing to Alexis' essay.

"That's alright, I'll just leave it on my Dad's desk, he'll have it reviewed by morning and I can make corrections in my free period."

"Alright, I'll let him know it's in there when he gets in."

"Right, thanks," Alexis said turning towards the office, but she stops and turns around once more, "You sure you're okay?"

"I'm good now, just have to talk to your dad."

"M'kay, then goodnight Detective." Alexis called as she made her way to the office and quickly back up the stairs to her bedroom.

"Night."

* * *

Rick stopped outside his loft door, leaned against the hallway wall and sighed attempting to expel all that this night had coated him in, the hurt, the anger and frustration. He didn't want to bring that home to his little girl. He pulled the tequila bottle out of the bag for one more sip, just to loosen his tense, strained posture, took a deep breath, and walked into the dark, empty loft. It was almost eleven, not that late but Alexis did have school in the morning.

He was relieved that he wouldn't have to put on a show, even if it was for his daughter. All he really wanted to do was sprawl out in bed in the dark and listen to some music. With that thought, he quietly kicked off his shoes hoping that he wouldn't rouse Alexis down for the inevitable lecture and his empty assurances that he was fine. Rick quickly and silently stashed his bottle in the liquor cabinet, turn off the lounge lamp and headed into his office.

As he crossed to the closed door of his office, he pulled his sweater up to take it off and as it stalled on his broad shoulders he heard the distinct movement of a body on his office couch.

Kate had been pulled into the world of Nikki and Rook, rereading, for the hundredth time, Naked Heat. She had been so absorbed by the story and Rick's words that she had let her guard down and didn't hear Castle enter the loft. She didn't notice his arrival until he was walking through the office door with his sweater pulled up over his head, back arched, chest puffed, arms stretched up over his head. His tight, white v-neck undershirt had been raked up in his attempt to shed the black sweater and his surprisingly toned abdominals peeked into view. Kate shifted from her reclined position as her eyes traced the lines of muscle and tendons that plated his stomach, she trailed her gaze down the line of hair that ran from his belly button before disappearing under his belted jeans, and she licked her lips at the sight of the slight indentations of his hips that distinguished his tapered waist.

Alerted to the presences of someone else in the room, Rick halted his movements, waiting to hear any further rustling to his left. _Please don't be a murder or alien or worse an ex-wife, I'm so not up for that tonight._ At the lingering silence, he finished pulling the black sweater off his shoulders, flinging it off with relish and a relieved sigh.

But before he took another step toward his bedroom, he saw Kate Beckett sitting on his leather couch with Heat Wave sitting limply in her lap._ Last person I want to see... Why couldn't it be a murderer, or an alien, or even an ex-wife?!_

Her eyes were wide and, even in the dim lighting, he could see just how beautiful they glittered with the dark hazel at the iris' rim and the deeper green rimming her dilated pupils. Her lips were slightly parted like she was on the verge of saying something and her posture was on point, seemingly mesmerized by something. Unbeknownst to Rick, the glittering, partly open lipped look was Beckett's signature lustful gaze. She wanted him.

Rick sighed in exasperation, looking up towards the ceiling, trying to call upon what ever God there was to just cut him a damn break tonight. By the time he dropped his glare, Kate was walking towards him. His writer's mind took note of the gentle sway of her hips, the luscious curves of her body, and the little tumble of her long hair as it moved with her steps. But at the forefront of Rick's mind was the still volatile frustration and exhaustion that Beckett had elicited earlier that evening.

"Beckett, what are you doi-" Rick's harshly toned question was cut off by Kate's hand firmly pressing over his mouth as she stepped up close to him. He watched her eyes travel up from the v-neck collar of his shirt, skate along his neck, admiring the bob of his adams apple and the definition of tendons and muscles that framed his jugular. She slowly lifted her eyes to his deep blue ones, hand still pressed securely to his mouth, silencing any of the questions he had pounding his mind.

Kate pulled her shoulders back, took a quick breath.

"Shut up for a second Rick."

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**A/N 2.0: I love you all for your continued support. Give me some feedback and your thoughts on this chapter, all you gotta do is review!**

**xoxo**


	10. Chapter 10: Acceptance & Anarchy

**Disclaimer: Don't Own**

**A/N: Sorry! you all must hate me! I totally left you hanging on that last chapter! Please stick with me with this story, I absolutely want to continue it. I had to leave the country unexpectedly and then got completely behind with my life so I had to take a slight hiatus. Forgive me and enjoy the read! **

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**Chapter 10: Acceptance & Anarchy**

"Shut up for a second Rick." Kate murmured like she needed a moment to finish her thought. Her lips quivered as her subtly labored breath hypnotized Rick, his eyes darting down to her expanding chest. There was palpable, naked heat between them as they stood there motionless in Castle's office. The moment Beckett's eyes locked with his, after memorizing every ripple of the sinewy, smooth skin of his his neck and the deep v of flesh revealed by his undershirt, something in her snapped. The tight fist of control loosened her restraints and she canted her body towards his. Everything she had been denying to herself and him, the lust, love, and loyalty consumed her very being, screaming for a release. Everything snapped in that one powerful moment of stillness between them.

Kate's body was humming with sexual tension, radiating from low in her stomach, out to her limbs, and tingling her fingertips and toes. Uninhibited images of all the fantasies she had ever imagined between her and Castle sauntered through her mind, a tantalizing taste of what's to come if she could only let him in.

Her hand was planted firmly against his pouting lips, she could feel the breath rush over her knuckles as he exhaled through his nose, his brow still furrowed in intensity, and the deep,midnight blue of his eyes amplified the electricity that was shocking her system.

Rick was stunned to say the least, not that physical contact was unheard of, they bumped shoulders, they comfortingly hold hands, they hug in intense moments, he has kissed her cheek on more than a few occasions, hell they had even gone out dancing with Lanie and Espo once (an accidental double date, they will never speak of). But for some reason seeing her standing in front of him, eyes deep with seduction, chest heaving slightly, hair hanging loosely around her gorgeous face, Castle had the unrelenting urge to wipe Kate's hand off his mouth and replace it with her lips. He wanted to grab her wrist and tug her body tight to his until they inhibited one space, lips locked, hands roving, hips rocking. And if he weren't in this thing for the long run, he would have done exactly that, grab her and take her. If he wasn't so deeply in love with her, he would have given in to 'heat-of-the-moment' sex on his desk, _Oh Jesus, Rick don't think about pinning her back to that desk, you're hanging by a thread of self-control here_,he chided himself, begging his mind to stand in firm control of his traitorous body.

The moment of enthrallment weighed heavy on them both, stretching out the seconds to last for eternity. The intensity of their eyes stopped time. And then.. it was over. A single blink of Kate's captivating mossy eyes and Castle could see her awareness return, her nothing but business determination presented itself again, and the control that had slipped from her reigns was knotted around her heart yet again.

"I'm sorry," Kate said on a breath, as if she were testing out the words, seeing if they sounded and felt right coming out of her mouth for once instead of his.

"I'm sorry Castle, and I know that's not really enough to make up for what I said to you and how I have been treating you for these past weeks but it's what I have to give you right now. I don't want to give you the empty excuse of frustration and exhaustion, because there is no acceptable reason to treat you like a punching bag just to release it," Kate jumped right into, abandoning all the finely formed speeches and plans she had been formulated. Nothing healed like the truth, that's what her mother had always said, so she leapt right into the words that were banging down her door. She was desperate to get them delivered to his heart because words were his thing and he had to know how sorry she really was.

"I was wrong, and you know I hate to be wrong, but I was here. I was wrong to insinuate you are nothing but a Playboy. I've gotten to know you, Cas, I really know you, who you really are, not what Page Si-"

Her rant was interrupted mid-sentence by Castle's hand coming up to gently press against her mouth, halting her apologies. For a slit second they both held their hands over each other's mouths until Rick gently wrapped his free hand around Kate's extended wrist and pulled it away from his face, pulling it down to their sides, trailing his fingertips down her forearm to lightly link their fingers.

He wished to hold on to the bitterness, to punish her for her actions because they punished him. He wished he could flip the switch to indifference and just not care anymore because caring about her when she seemed to care less hurt. But he couldn't it was like some instinctual reflex to make sure her happiness came first, it was as innate as breathing to him. Make her happy, and looking at her at that moment when she had just profusely apologized he had no other option but to forgive.

"I know you know me Beckett, and that's what made your comment sting... I know, and I forgive you."

The resignation in his voice nearly broke her heart, to know that she had _broken_ him in the processes of _building_ herself up drove her to complete frustration. She wanted to scream at him and tell him to be angry, tell her to keep her on the hook for this, hold her responsible for her actions, treat her like the shit she had been treating him like. But no, he was much too good a man to take and eye for an eye. His broad palm still lightly covered her mouth and the combination of his shrugging smile, and smiling eyes to let her know that he truly did accept her apology. Just like that, like Alexis had said: All he needs is an apology. Kate was astounded by his gracious, loving heart and what lengths he went to keep her appeased. She wanted to reciprocate somehow, she wanted to show him the same went for her. She would do anything to make him happy. Unfortunately the one thing that would make him happy was the one thing that she was terrified of. A true catch 22. _What would Castle do in this situation, what little thing would he do to lighten the situation_? she thought with a pleased smirk as the answer came to her.

"Awh, geez! Beckett, you just licked my hand!" he yelled in surprise as he yanked his hand away from her laughing smirk. "I cannot believe you, Miss No-Nonsense Beckett, just licked my hand."

Castle gave her a smiling, slack-jawed glare, while she just snorted a bit in laughter. "What do you mean 'Miss Nonsense Beckett.' What the hell does that mean, I know how to have fun," she goaded, falling back into their usual.

In response to Castle's disbelieving huff and oddly Beckett-like eye roll, Kate shoved his shoulder, "Hey, I can let loose and have fun."

"Beckett, we are talking about actual fun, not organizing your file cabinet at the precinct or going to a poetry reading," he quipped in that strangely arousing teasing tone of his.

"Oh so you don't think I can let loose? Is that it? You think I am up-tight?" she asked stepping up into his space.

"Listen Beckett, you may think you know how to have fun. But I am here to tell you that you don't. You haven't had fun until you've been out on a '_Castle Night_,'" Rick exclaimed dramatically, gesturing his name as if it were a bright light of Vegas.

"Oh _please_, can your ego get any more out of control? What does this 'Castle Night' entail?" she asks, rolling her eyes at the absurdity of this conversation, and vaguely realizing this conversation has some steamy sexual innuendos going without any effort.

"See _that's_ the fun in it, you never know. You just start and let the night's magic take you where it will," he grinned with boyish excitement and child like wonder. Kate still stood at her full height, staring Rick down in a playful challenge. His sheer immutable faith in magic and fate made the smile hidden in the corner of her mouth beg to spread but out of habit she held it at bay, terrified by what it meant that he could make her smile like no other man could.

Beckett shifted her body so it grazed across his as she stepped through him to exit the office, dragging his arm away from his body as her fingers stayed hooked around his until the last possible second before separation, "You sound like Aladdin, you dork," she murmured, shaking her head as she walked to the doorway. But she abruptly stopped, turned on a dime, and thrust a pointing finger towards him, "I know how to have fun," Beckett sharply declared.

Castle leaned against his desk, mischief sparking in his eyes, smirk gracing his soft supple lips, hair flipped across his forehead from frustrated fingers. _Geez, he looks delicious._ "Mhmm, sure you do. Prove. It."

"Oh I'll prove it all right," she threatened, stalking back towards him with an aroused, frustrated blush covering her chest. Castle just had this pull with her, he could get her so riled up, constantly on the teetering edge of 'rip-your-clothes-off' turned on and 'slap-you-across-the-face' frustrated. Their banter was the greatest blessing and curse of their relationship. It immersed them completely in the moment, everything in past and future conversations was not considered, which could lead to hurtful, ill-advised comments, genius theory and plot points, or spontaneous, loving revelations. So even though Castle's heart and pride were still scraped with hurt, the energy and chemistry that crackled between them momentarily wiped the slate clean.

"Fine. I look forward to it," he smirked realizing he actually won this one for now.

"Fine." Beckett clipped with the last heat of her frustration before suddenly becoming aware that she stood eye to eye with Castle, standing in between his spread feet, outer thighs brushing inner thighs. She watched his eyes flick downward to acknowledge their proximity, roaming her body on the way down. Kate felt the rolling waves of heat assault her body. She had to gain the upper hand, get some control over the situation since her body was throwing itself to anarchy, so she leaned in, resting her weight on one fist on the desk next his hip, the other hand angled devilishly on her hip, and cocked her head so her lips were phantoms along his jaw and up to his ear.

"I'll show you fun Castle."

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**A/N 2.0: Please review! I need the motivation to get the next chapter up quickly! Love you all who read it! Review, review, review.**


	11. Chapter 11: Status Quo

**_A/N: I am so sorry I have been so unreliable for timely updates! Life has not slowed down yet for me, but I hope you all will stick with the story because I promise I will keep up with it even if it takes me a while. Here is just a short chapter that I didn't get to finish but I feel like I owe y'all. _**

**_I am addicted to reviews so please give me some feedback_**

**_Song that goes with this chapter: "So in Love"- Curtis Mayfield_**

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_"Fine. I look forward to it," he smirked realizing he actually won this one for now._

_"Fine." Beckett clipped with the last heat of her frustration before suddenly becoming aware that she stood eye to eye with Castle, standing in between his spread feet, outer thighs brushing inner thighs. She watched his eyes flick downward to acknowledge their proximity, roaming her body on the way down. Kate felt the rolling waves of heat assault her body. She had to gain the upper hand, get some control over the situation since her body was throwing itself to anarchy, so she leaned in, resting her weight on one fist on the desk next his hip, the other hand angled devilishly on her hip, and cocked her head so her lips were phantoms along his jaw and up to his ear._

_"I'll show you fun Castle."_

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Castle audibly gulped and Kate could see his Adam's apple bounce from the corner of her eye. Yeah, she had gotten the upper hand back, he was putty in her hands. _Men, so predictable_, she thought. Not that she could deny the visceral effect his nearly touching body was having on her. She could feel the clench of hopeful anticipation between her legs and the humid air between them making her lungs feel heavy. It was so tempting, so incredibly tempting to close the last inch of space between her and Castle, paint his strong sturdy body with hers and brush her lips across his.

But no. That's not how things could transpire here and now, she knew better. She wasn't ready.

"And how do you plan on showing me Beckett?" Castle inquired, his voice a half-octave higher than usual, betraying his reaction to Kate's dangerous game. Kate stepped back into her own personal space, immediately her body protested her minds instance of retreat as she felt a shiver run down her spine at the loss of intimacy with the man before her.

"I don't know Cas, you're the one boasting of the extravagance of a 'Castle Night,' and by the way you realize how egotistical that sounds, don't you?" And just like that the wall was erected and stood dauntingly between them.

* * *

Her proximity intoxicated Castle. Every thought in his mind was redirected to focus solely on her dewy breath against his neck, her chest brushing his as she inhaled deeply, her whispy hairs tickling his cheek, and her thighs pressing gently on his inner thighs. Breathing suddenly lost its autonomic function and he had to consciously scream at his lungs to breath as he gasped in a deep, trembling breath.

_She is killing me. I will die tonight, right here of combustion and aneurisms induced by extreme sexual suppression. Say something you idiot otherwise you'll end up with a bullet in you crotch from attacking her lips!_

"And how do you plan on showing me Beckett?"

She stepped back, his heart sunk. It was a torturous cycle, it really was. His elation from the steps taken forward and the boundaries crossed only equaled by the disappointment that set in when she would retreat and further cement those fucking walls, where he would be left banging his head.

"I don't know Cas, you're the one boasting of the extravagance of a 'Castle Night,' and by the way you realize how egotistical that sounds, don't you?" she teased and the status quo fell back into place lickedy-split with no real resolution or change.

Castle straightened himself up, puffing his chest out in cave-man bravado. "It's not boasting if its true. Just because you haven't had the _pleasure _of experiencing such a night doesn't discredit its merits," he drawled with a provocative wiggle of his eyebrows and a smug smirk turning up his lips. Humor, the ultimate broom to sweep all that heart-wrenching, unrequited love shit under the proverbial rug.

"How do you manage to transform the most unassuming sentences into and pervy, dirty joke?" she marveled in return.

"I guess it's a gift. My superpower. Oh my alter ego could be Captain Pervy! But Thor's already claimed the hammer and I don't think any other name could be appropriately attributed to _my weapon._"

"Oh gross Castle, that is anything but appropriate. C'mon Captain Pervy, feed me before you start sketching a lycra suit for yourself." Kate rolled her eyes as she sauntered out of the office toward his kitchen.

"Suit? Please it'd be a lycra speedo for sure."

"Horrifying to imagine, just horrifying." Kate teased as she skimmed her hands over two cabinets in his Kitchen before landing on the edge of the third and pulling out two wine glasses and reached for his wine fridge below the counter.

"So what are you making me for dinner?" she asked.

"Dinner, Beckett it is well into midnight snack territory, brings in a whole new category of acceptable food choices." He teased and she rolled her eyes at his childishness with a happy smile gracing her beautiful face. Castle was always looking for a way to poke at Kate, get a rise out of her in one way or another; could never just let things be. In truth, Kate loved that because it brought her out of her own head. His endless exuberance put her on guard with the desire to either one up him or prove that he couldn't ruffle her feathers and earn that self-satisfied, shit eating grin he loved so much. But sewn within his exaggerated excitement was childlike wonder and optimism that melted her heart a bit.

"Alright then, midnight snack. Get to it Writerboy," she joked, snapping a kitchen towel across his back as he peered into the refrigerator, letting out a girlish yelp.

"Slave driver," he murmured with arms full of whip cream, nutella, chocolate sauce, and strangely a carton of eggs.

* * *

Castle laid out his ingredients along the counter with a dramatic flare causing everything but the eggs to scatter across the marble counter. "Are you attempting to put me into a diabetic coma and take advantage of me or something?" Kate asked with a questioning and apprehensive look on her face.

"No I am a gentleman Ms. Becket, old fashioned and such. If I wanted to take advantage of you I'd liquor you up or roofie you. Geez, I was raised with manners you know," he chastised, grabbing her glass and hiding it out of sight in with theatrical obviousness, which Kate could not help but laugh at.

"Now go drink your wine," he said handing it back to her with a wide, gleaming smile on his face, "and find us some music to listen too or a show to watch. Leave dinner to me."

"Oh, I thought it was a midnight snack?"

"Ugh! Out woman!" he exclaimed in mock agitation.

"And _I'm _the slave driver?" she called as she made her way familiarly through the loft to the lounge.

* * *

Kate moseyed around the lounge, looking over the dozens of books that lined the shelves, making a mental list of books she needed to borrow from him or get on her kindle. He had such an eclectic taste in books and for Kate that was a huge turn on. She always found it surprising that a man that could behave like such a immature child could have the depth to debate and bounce between the themes, nuances, and symbolism found in books of every genre. She spotted his iPod sitting on the speaker dock and mindlessly tapped on the play button as she meandered down the contents of the shelves that somehow she's never noticed before, which speaks to her level of distraction earlier in the night while she waited for Castle and did the exact same thing.

She wandered along the rows of books, knick-knacks, and framed photographs. As tripped her fingers along the spines of the novels, Kate spied a picture of a younger Castle, maybe 25 years old, holding a little toddler Alexis on his hip. Kate had to suppress a loud laugh that wanted to jump out of her throat as she saw the goofy looks on both Alexis and Rick's face. Alexis's little button nose was all scrunched up, her few little teeth jutted out in attempt at fierceness but only achieved preciousness, and her tiny hand was posed like a clawed paw. She looks simply adorable with her light wash jeans and black converse adoring the scrawny legs wrapped across Rick's slim waist, a light pink t-shirt with rolled up sleeves, and wavy rings of curls cascading across her narrow shoulders.

Examining Rick only made Kate's smile widen. His blue eyes matched Alexis' with that exuberant, child-like sparkle. The young Castle shown in the photograph had a slight stubble peppering his jaw, which Kate found utterly delectable. His wrinkled white button down framed his physique and the collar was pulled to the side to reveal the solid mass of his pec. His wide, square shoulders, broad planes of his muscular chest, robust bands of brachial muscles all made Kate swoon. Kate couldn't help but question whether it was weird to be lusting after a photo of a man ten years younger than her, a photo of a man who was eight years her senior and currently making her dinner in the kitchen, a photo of her partner who she refuses to have feelings for. Yep something is definitely weird about it. But the silly expression on his face calmed her pondering. She had seen that face before, one of his many annoyingly adorable faces he would paint on when he was trying to agitate her... _or make me smile,_ Kate tacked on as the thought ran away from her.

She was pulled away from her inspection when she heard Castle singing to Jay Z and Alicia Keys' "Empire State of Mind." He was right in the middle of a very poor rendition Alicia's throaty, soulful voice, completely butchering it.

Kate turned around to see Castle crossing towards the couch with two plates of what looks like an omelet. She pinned him mid-step with a menacing glare, causing Castle to snap his mouth shut just as Alicia belted out another "Let's hear it for New York."

"You trying to break the glass there Castle?" she smirked as she grabbed her plate from him and settled in the corner of the couch.

* * *

**Review please :D!**


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